


Pour le Bien de Tous

by LadyHeliotrope



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 34,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22510003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyHeliotrope/pseuds/LadyHeliotrope
Summary: Inspired by Sindie and Matt Quinn's epics, this focuses on Severus Snape in the event of a single change of events. What if, at the last second, Voldemort pulled a switch, killed Pettigrew, and Neville Longbottom became the target? AU.  ABANDONED.
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

Well, the prophesy didn't name Harry as the one to vanquish the Dark Lord. It only said that his parents had thrice defied him and that he would be born at the end of the seventh month. If Voldemort had decided that Neville was the one, Lily might not have died. Granted, she would probably be in the permanent spell-damage ward at St. Mungo's with permanent brain damage, instead," w _here Neville's parents are_ , she thought, "but she'd still be alive."--swerley, _Her Gifts,_ Chapter 15.

What if Voldemort decided at the last minute that the prophesy meant Frank and Alice Longbottom, and thus the position of the Longbottoms and the Potters was reversed? Similar to and inspired by Sindie's _The Moment It Began_ , and Matt Quinn's _The Wrath of the Half-Blood Prince_ , this story will outline the course of events following the tweaking of a single aspect of Snape's history. Unlike those stories, however, which focus on the point in Snape's teenagehood wherein he commits the foul atrocity of calling Lily a 'Mudblood', this story begins after Snape's revelation of the prophecy and consequential conversion from follower of Voldemort to spy of Dumbledore, when he fears for the lives of the Potter family.

_Thanks to Aindel S. Druida for her beta work!_

_An additional note: I had this on my old account, Alex the Anachronistic, titled 'A Question of Sanity', and I decided that since all I ever got to was the prologue, I ought to move it over here. Especially because it has some good potential. It's not something stinky or silly. So, here it is, under the new title: Pour le Bien de Tous, which means 'For the Good of All'. En francais.  
_

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

**Pour le Bien de Tous  
**

**Prologue**

Snape realized his inner lip was bloody, a result of anguished bitings of the tongue. The sick taste of iron filled his dry mouth, which was dehydrated and furry in texture due to his inattention to water that day. He wondered if the Dark Lord could smell it from his place halfway across the room, directly in front of the fireplace, seated in the finest leather armchair the Malfoys could provide. Snape retracted a little bit into the anchient horsehair loveseat he shared with two other Death Eaters, and shuddered as if hit by a draft.

He was incredibly worried. This meeting precursed a quest to 'fulfill' a silly prophecy that he had relayed to the Dark Lord some time prior, and his stomach was in pretzel-like knots. His main fear was that Dumbledore would not come through on his promise to save Lily. _Will she be saved? I don't care if Potter dies of course, but if it means Lily is saved--oh, but she can't die. Dumbledore is a strong wizard, and is perfectly capable of saving her. Perfectly capable._

Voldemort stirred in his chair, and Snape quickly colored his thought palate with visions of excitement for the evening's activities. _Destroying an old enemy, that'll sure be grand._

His quick reaction was for naught, as the Dark Lord merely laid down the piece of paper in his hands and turned to face his followers with closed eyes. Snape knew what was on the paper; it was in his handwriting.

" _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..._ "

Ever since Severus had scribbled this down on the back of an old scrap of blotting parchment, the Dark Lord had treasured the little fragment as a well-bred woman guards her chastity. It was more than a little unnerving, to know what was consistently on his mind, and Severus was none too pleased at the perspective.

Voldemort opened his eyes, regarding the company with a fascinating inattention that instantly quieted every side-conversation and turned every eye towards his figure. When silence came to the lips of every individual in the room, the Dark Lord began to speak.

"I have a brief announcement to make before we depart."

No one dared to ask what it was, but waited for him to elaborate. With a small, scheming smile, he continued.

"Harry Potter is not the boy meant by the prophecy."

Gasps erupted from every person in the room, whether they were truly surprised or not. Snape, as it were, breathed an intense sigh of relief which no one registered.

Looking as smug as an uncle who, after hearing his nephews criticize him behind his back that he was miserly, made hypocrites of them by walking in the room and giving them fivers, Voldemort gazed at the company.

"This is surprising, I imagine, but I do have my reasons for making this switch. Understand, I knew the whole time that it was Neville Longbottom. No one but a pureblood could ever hope to take on Lord Voldemort--the championon of the purebloods--in his prime." He egotistically put a hand on his chest and breathed deeply, to which the automatic response of his followers was to nod enthsiastically. "Harry Potter is the son of a single pureblood father, James Potter, but also the spawn of a most heinous bitch of a Mudblood."

Snape's everlasting scowl deepened by three unnoticible millimeters.

Voldemort continued droning. "Longbottom, by far, is the most worthy opponent--the son of two 'fine upstanding' purebloods who are reportedly hightly involved in the damned Order of the Phoenix. However, after tonight he will not exist. My future power will be increasingly secured when we nip him in the bud, my friends! Now, if you are in any way confused by this sudden change of plans, it is understandable. No one save myself knew of this truth."

Lucius Malfoy, looking rather hurt, stood forward. "Are we not trusted by you, then, My Lord?"

A cold, mirthless laugh erupted from the addressed. "No, my dear Lucius, you most certainly are trusted. However," he said, casting a sly glance around the room, "I cannot be certain of everyone here."

 _We're supposed to trust this blatant hypocrite while he ensures no trust in us?_ Snape pondered to himself, in his usual complaint. _I don't know why the hell I haven't gotten out of this dump before._ Then, without real warning to himself, he stood in imitation of Lucius. It was his habit to do whatever Lucius did--except the foolish things--because Lucius was favored by Voldemort, and at one time Snape had wished such an honor for himself.

"And I, My Lord? Am I held in suspicion as well?"

_If I truly loved Voldemort, I would be standing in idignition just like old Malfoy. May as well play the part._

Others followed his lead.

"Am I suspected?"

"My Lord, am I?"

"Oh, My Lord!"

In response, Voldemort held up one hand in a tired fashion, instantly quieting the multitudes. "My fellows," he pronounced carefully, "I will make no excuses for myself beyond the fact that I suspect all of you simply out of desire to be careful. Surely you can understand that?"

Heads were dully lowered in shame.

"Anyhow," Voldemort went on, disregarding any discomfort of his followers. "Shall we embark on our foray?" he queried with the mock courtesy he used so often. "I see the time is approaching twelve. All of the plans are the same, save our destination, which will be the house of the Longbottoms in Bristol, 143 Little Leghorn Drive. Amy Butler will guide us tonight instead of Peter Pettigrew. Those of you who are not accompanying us on our mission, don't bother with Godric's Hollow tonight; the brat there is not worth a shilling, much less your time."

Indeed, in the ensuing silence, the large grandfather clock near the door chimed. At its sound, all the Death Eaters began to move towards the fireplace or the door, mumbling and murmuring, and Severus shivered.

"Whaz wrong, mate?" asked Samuel Munch, one of the younger Death Eaters who had taken a shining to Snape, possibly because they shared large noses (though Severus' trumped all competitors). Severus shook his head in response.

"A goose walking over my grave," he said by way of vague explanation. _Though that's quite opposite,_ he thought as glee descended upon him with increasing fury. _Dumbledore kept his promise. Somehow he did it. I don't know how, but he did it._

Then, as he began to jostle his way out the door with other Death Eaters, it suddenly struck him that there was one person absent from the meeting that day: Peter Pettigrew.

_And he was supposed to be here, to be our guide at the Potter's. Either Voldemort told him the change of plans and gave him the night off or . . ._

The reason for the nasty little rat's absence was suddenly very clear indeed. Despite himself, a huge grin broke out on his face, beyond his control. Snape was jubilant.

_Lily is safe. Thank you, Dumbledore. Thank you, God._


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, so I left the Prologue alone for a long, long time.

Why? I had an impossible plot, and I was scared to write it. That's the crux of the matter. I've scrapped nearly all of it, for the record.

Why did I randomly come back to it? Well, I'm updating (or at least attempting to update) at least one chapter every day for a month because I'm part of National Novel Writing Month! **www** (dot) **nanowrimo** (dot) **org** (slash)(slash) **eng** (slash) **user** (slash) **516075**. That's how you can look at my word count and stuff. And no, I'm not counting these Author Notes in my word counts.

So what _am_ I going to do? I don't know. I do know that I'm going to keep with a literary theme. You may recognize lines that are allusions to such things as Dante, Shakespeare, George Bernard Shaw, Paradise Lost, Tristan and Iseult, Agatha Christie, Plato, Ayn Rand, old classic movies like _Casablanca_ , _Laura_ , _Sunset Boulevard_ , and maybe even _Gone With the Wind_. If you recognize anything, point it out and you get brownie points.

So yeah. I don't really have a real plot, just a vague idea of where the story's going. For me, that's the surest way of killing my interest in a story--if I know what is going to happen, and I write it all down in an outline, then I get bored and never touch it again. For an example of this, you can see my old story on my old account, Alex the Anachronistic, called 'After Kings Cross' that I'll never finish. As far as this story goes, I'm only keeping a few steps ahead of myself. So...this should be fun. Prepare to be surprised!

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

**Chapter One  
**

Severus was selected to be one of the 'elect' who would go to Little Leghorn Drive that night, thanks to his 'contribution' to the war effort.

 _Bloody serves me right_ , he thought, but without enormous remorse. They were not going to the home of the Potters', and all other things paled in comparison to that alternative. _And to think, I might have had to be present to watch the Dark Lord kill Lily. Nothing else would be more horrible._

The Longbottoms were not under a Fidelius charm, and so the woman, Amy Butler, was less of a key to their location than a guide. The place was on the outskirts of the town, in a not-so-affluent quarter, and the house was partially aglow as the Death Eaters approached.

They stopped at the front gate before the attack to hear a few final words from Voldemort.

"Friends, Potentates, Warriors, lend me your ears. I observe that many of you have grown weary, as I'm certain the toil of traveling and the lateness of the hour have wrought, but I ask you to not think of slumber. I'm rather astonished that you're all so droopy-eyed."

Assuredly, after this sarcastic speech, none of the assembled were droopy-eyed or thinking of slumber at all.

"Remember, we are conquerors out to seize what is rightfully ours, and we cannot neglect this aim!" the Dark Lord stated. "Now, are there any questions?"

"Yes," someone initiated, probably Malfoy, "are we to leave the boy to you, my lord?"

"Of course. What an idiotic thing to ask. All right, if I may be so bold--let's drop in."

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

The Floo glowed in the Headmaster's office, and Severus Snape soon appeared on the hearth, a small smile on his lips.

"Success," he said silkily, one hand on the mantelpiece to support his weary frame. His face bespoke weary triumph.

Dumbledore's stern expression quashed the victorious glow, however.

"Of _course_ , Severus," Albus Dumbledore replied primly, reminding Severus all too firmly that the laurels lay at _his_ feet. "Did you imagine that I would not fulfill my promise?"

Slightly more inscrutable, but nonetheless confident, the young man warily replied, "I...was not sure." His tones were melancholic, but there was a _joie de vivre_ in the dark bile of his eyes revealing the immense joy that inspired his uninvited visit to Dumbledore's office. Though, his smile faded as his next words faintly reflected the self-flagellation he had heretofore endured. "It occurred to me that even _you_ , sir, might fail to save me from myself."

"Oh, come now, my boy," Dumbledore said wearily. "It wasn't all so bad as that, you know. When you belatedly decided to put your faith in the _right_ person--though it would have been preferable for you to have done so in the first place--good can be achieved."

Severus' brow furrowed, but he said nothing. It was a Dumbledorian thing to do, to rub his nose in his own mistakes. However, out of gratitude, he was obligated to conceal his irritation. _Let the old coot have his fun_ , he told himself. _Lily's safe, and alive, no thanks to me. Surely I can endure a little bit of jeering as the smallest penance for my crass error of judgment._

At the same time, Dumbledore was re-evaluating Snape keenly. The young man was careful to keep his eyes from meeting the elder's. _I wonder_ , Snape mused beneath the veil of his Occulmentic Shield, _if he thinks more of me after this incident or less. It's so difficult to tell._

Viewing him from an objective eye, it was hard to think ill of the young man. The calmness in Snape's features, the express deference in his tones, and the warm aura about him indicated genuine relief. On an extrovert such symptoms would have meant less, but on the face of the reserved Severus Snape, his placidity suggested an enormous burden lifted from his shoulders.

"Do sit down, dear boy, you make me exhausted to even look at you. Lemon drop?"

"Thanks and no thanks." With that, Severus Snape seated himself opposite to Albus Dumbledore.

"You refuse to trust me," Dumbledore observed sadly, attempting to popping the candy he had offered to Severus into his own mouth, but failing; the thing bounced off his chin and rolled down his beard onto the carpet.

"The feeling is mutual--do you think I'm a fool?" retorted Severus indignantly, seeing through the ploy. "When has a candy you've ever offered to me made it to your own tongue? I recognized Veritaserum in those vanilla wafers you preferred in my school-days, Headmaster! Masking the taste with the zest of lemons now will _not_ effectively trick me. "

"Alas," Dumbledore said, "there you are wrong, my boy. These I buy for myself; why would I do something so banal as to lace them? Why, that would surely undermine the trust we've been building all these years."

 _Oh yes, let's parry with sarcasm, shall we?_ Severus thought, his familiar scowl lines forming.

"So, Severus," Dumbledore said, reaching into his desk drawer and drawing out a fresh bag of lemon-drops, with which he topped-off the dish. (He also poked a few into his own mouth.) "As I know nothing of what you have done all evening--let's hear about it, shall we? And please--do not be so foolish as to leave out any details."

Severus snorted, his better humor not restored but his temperament a trifle cooler. "I'm not about to willingly incriminate myself, Headmaster, but I suppose as your spy I am rather obliged to do as you bid."

"Indeed." Dumbledore put the bag of lemon drops back in his desk, sat back in his chair and steepled his fingers. "Begin, if you would."

And so Severus began. The death of Alice Longbottom was not something he relished telling-- _but_ , he had to tell Dumbledore how he had pretended to leave early and then returned to nurse the severe wounds of Frank Longbottom and take the man to St. Mungo's. The Longbottom boy, fortunately for them, happened to be at his Gran's home in Surrey, at an undisclosed location. A retreat was effected, and Voldemort was fuming by the end of the evening.

"You do understand," Dumbledore said at the end of it all, "that Alice Longbottom's death is indirectly your fault."

"I know," Severus said, shrugging. "But...but she doesn't matter so much." _It's only the death of Lily that would matter._

Dumbledore shook his head. "You are an inconsistent man, Severus."

"Oh, no. I'm very consistent, Headmaster." His smile was a cruel one as he prepared to exit the office. "I've only been consistent for the majority of my life."

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, by the way: I'm updating (or at least attempting to update) at least one chapter every day for a month. Why? I'm part of National Novel Writing Month! www(dot)nanowrimo(dot)org(slash)(slash)eng(slash)user(slash)516075 . That's how you can look at my word count and stuff. And no, I'm not counting these Author Notes as words written.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

**Chapter Two**

Home for Severus at this point of his life was far from vivid. Death had struck his weedy old mother three years past, and his father Tobias had abandoned them a few years prior to that.

So, essentially, he was an adult orphan. He held that very much against his memories of them. _Ultimately, they both abandoned me_ , he liked to think when wallowing in self-pity, as was his wont when he had nothing else better to do.

But, when he returned home via Floo from the stressful events of the evening, he was in a mood of reconciliation. His mistakes were so fresh in his mind that his parents seemed less culpable for their own emotional neglect of him.

He placed himself in his dad's old armchair--something he never usually did, lest he invoke the spirit of the man's ghost or something--with a glass of wine and a fairly clear head.

"Sorry," he mumbled aloud, for the benefit of the imaginary spirit of his father whom he might be offending, and sipped the stuff from the glass. It wasn't a particularly good wine, bought from the last market he happened to pass through in London, but it served the purpose of illustrating celebration through the rare indulgence. He decided that he detected the essences of blackberry and white peach, which made for a very fragrant and pleasant wine.

 _Nothing like those from Lucius' stores_ , Severus thought with a grimace, _but at this point I don't know if I'll ever get to taste them again._ The men had been dodging cordiality lately, mostly because of Lucius' jealousy that his own protegee, Severus, had risen above him. Severus shrugged; he wasn't very fond of Lucius, when it came down to it, but it was still slightly saddening to see further evidence of how he had been so _stupid_ as to join the Death Eaters.

 _They never did like me_ , he simplistically mused, _so why did I forfeit Lily's friendship for theirs?_

He knew the answer, of course: he had wanted power with which to impress Lily. He had wanted to be her knight in shining armor, to save her when all the world became Death Eaters and turned against her. Of course, he had counted on all of Wizardkind to enlist in the Death Eaters--at one time, that was all that had made sense to Severus, because why wouldn't a wizard want to join a force for wizards' superiority?--so the plan was not wholly feasible. It was like feminism or something-- _women_ refusing to join it and even declaring to be anti-feminists, standing in the way of political reform because they liked to maintain the status quo.

But, at this point, Severus could see their view very clearly. _Most people just don't care about political reform--they just want to live their lives_ , he reminded himself. And he sighed. _I haven't been very productive in my own life for the sake of politics. I'm a loser in general because of them: I lost the girl I love to my worst school rival because I was too caught up in ideals and ambitions and things that I shouldn't have spared a thought to. It's one thing to have a political alignment, it's another thing to live and breathe politics. Which, foolishly, was really all I did from too young an age._

So lamenting, he swirled the rest of the wine in his glass and downed it in an incredible show of lack of restraint.

And, of course, this happened to be just the moment that his Floo embers glowed, and Dumbledore's head popped into the grate.

"Severus? Ah, having a little nip, are you?"

 _I just left you, you old bastard_ , Severus complained inwardly, but he merely set the glass down on the table. "What do you want?" he asked with a sneer, though he realized a moment later that perhaps such was not the correct way to address his benefactor of late. He blamed the wine for this transgression--he scarcely ever drank, since his father before him was a desperate alcoholic and Severus had no intention of following in the old man's footsteps. Hence, even after a glass, he was far less strait-laced than he would have liked.

"I'm sorry to bother you in your repose, but I thought I ought to inform you--there _was_ an attack on Godric's Hollow."

Severus' nerves immediately leaped into action, and he jumped to his feet.

"Don't bother making a big fuss over it, Severus, I anticipated this type of frustrated retaliation might occur. You mentioned how Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange in particular was so distressed by the absence of young Neville that I realized that a rogue party might turn there after the failure at Bristol."

 _Of course_ , Severus thought, and eased himself down again, feeling every inch of his skin prickling with sheer fright. _I should have realized that they'd do that. Of course they would do that. That was exceedingly stupid of me not to think of it._

"Well?" he asked, "what happened?"

"After you left, I slipped over to check on the Potters, and they were most grateful for my advice to leave on their lights and temporarily abandon the premises. I actually took them out to Fortesque's, if you must know," Dumbledore said, a wry grin on his face.

"Headmaster," Snape said, a tried look on his face, "even I know that Diagon Alley shops close at five. It's nigh on two in the morning."

"Oh! How queer indeed!" Dumbledore said with an innocent smile. "James had triple-chocolate fudge with a splash of brandy and whipped cream, Lily had peach sorbet with rum sauce, little Harry had gooey-marshmallow cherry with chocolate sauce and sprinkles, and I had blueberry with gnome tracks."

Severus sighed. _He clearly pulled some unrequited favor out of his hat to pull that off._ "Certainly I don't doubt you, Professor," he said in a docile manner. "And, I assume that when you returned, the house was in...disarray?"

"Rather," the old man said good-naturedly. "All the wards were in shambles, some of the windows were broken, and there was muddy footprints and turned-over furniture and all the other signs that our favorite house-guests had come to call and been thoroughly disappointed. Really, Severus, you must recommend your friends to my favorite book on manners, 'Etiquette for Neanderthals' by P. Rimatave Bangerbonger. It's most instructional."

"They're not my friends," Severus replied, looking away from Dumbledore.

"Oh! Well, in that case, do as you wish," the old man replied with a genial note. At this point, however, the fire glowed red. "Dear me," Dumbledore said, "give me a moment, I seem to be receiving another call. I imagine it's my robemaker from San Francisco--he's the only one who might be calling me at this hour, isn't it? Poor bumbling man always forgets that I live on the other side of the globe..."

So muttering, Dumbledore's face left the fire, and the flame turned neon yellow, indicating that Severus had been put on hold.

Desperately frustrated, Severus did the unthinkable and poured himself another glass of wine. He examined it cautiously, as if it had been given to him by Dumbledore. _That old man may have saved Lily,_ Severus thought, _but I really don't trust him. I can't. He's got some ulterior motive for it all. When I find that, then I can trust him. I just have to find his core, and work around it._

It wasn't very long before Dumbledore's face showed up in the grate again, but this time it was very sober.

"Severus, come quick," he demanded. "There's been a...a mistake."

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Three**

"Lily?" gasped Snape, rising shakily. His overly-suspicious mind went into overdrive.

_Did Dumbledore lie to me about taking the Potters' to ice cream, in his overconfidence that his preparations were enough?  
_

The look of shock on the Headmaster's face seemed to allay this fear, however.

"Unfortunately," was all that Dumbledore could say. "Come now."

His face disappeared from the Floo, and Severus paused the slightest of moments to hear his pulse accelerate.

 _Damn it, don't cry like some hyper-emotional Hufflepuff!_ he chastised himself, feeling a familiar sting in his eyes. _You don't even know the details yet._

He unsteadily dove into the fire, and appeared in Dumbledore's office a moment later. Three other people were there: Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey, and Sirius Black. All of them stared in surprise at him. _Little wonder about that_ , Severus thought bitterly. _I'm certain they all thought I was irrevocably on the side of evil._

Indeed, his assumption was right on the money. "What is _he_ doing here, Albus?" demanded McGonagall, who looked even testier than was her wont in Severus' schooldays, most likely a result of having been roused in her sleep. Young Poppy Pomfrey appeared just as plain, brisk, and no-nonsense as Severus remembered from when she came to Hogwarts in his seventh year. Sirius appeared drowsy, his eyes bloodshot and his face haggard, but he met Snape's eye and a surge of the old loathing was exchanged between them.

"Severus is here, Minerva," replied Albus, as smooth as lemon butter-cream, "because he has made a choice for the better. Please do not question him or myself about it."

"But he's a slimy Death Eater!" protested Sirius with a snarl, his face as sour as if he had swallowed a gulp of fresh onion juice.

"Not completely," Dumbledore answered vaguely, turning to his desk and picking up a few bottles, "he's become our spy, rather recently."

"How do you know he isn't spying _for_ the Death Eaters?" Sirius demanded hoarsely, his eyes darting between the man he spoke to and the man he accused.

 _I'm only right here_ , Severus criticized with a deepening scowl. _But really, all this is a distraction. What's the big mistake? What's happened to Lily?_

"That, my dear Sirius, is between Severus and myself," Dumbledore replied, focusing his entire attention on a single hair of his beard. "You are to trust that he is on our side. Oh dear, I have a split end."

Severus was blown away with surprise and gratitude at Dumbledore's evasiveness. _I half expected him to revoke his promise to not tell_ , he thought, rather relieved. _But then, from his point of view, it's not exactly important that he tell everyone, and honestly, it's none of their business. But if Dumbledore thought it was his business to tell everyone..._

He cringed, partially from that thought and partially from the look of intense hatred that Black sent his way. He managed to disguise his discomfort by crossing his arms and scowling back at the other man.

"Well, let's be off, then," Dumbledore said, pocketing the bottles that were on his desk and throwing some Floo powder into the fire. "Home of James Potter, Godric's Hollow!" he sternly commanded, and leaped into the fire, followed by his impromptu consort.

Remus Lupin greeted them, his face ashen and deep circles under his eyes.

 _Poor fellow_ , Severus thought, quickly surveying the lycanthrope. _Still too weak to break from the company of those devils? Could they still be blackmailing him? I suppose the poor state of his clothes indicates that they are. Pathetic, but poor fellow nonetheless. He really should grow a backbone. Gryffindor for bravery. Bah!_

So thinking, he cast a glance around the room. It was obviously the main parlor, and it was fitted with opulent crimson brocade sofas, great beautiful tapestries, and a gentle Merlot-colored carpet. _This isn't the Potter ancestral home_ , he realized, since everything was too new and too modern, _but they've made their mark in it. Bloody Gryffindors. But, it seems that there was a tussle here_. Indeed, the couches were all askew, a table and lamp had toppled over, and one of the tapestries on the wall was the victim of a ripping spell.

His heart panged with concern for Lily as he saw the damage that had been inflicted on her home.

_What exactly has happened? I guess Dumbledore's already been filled in and, of course, we mere mortals don't deserve to know anything beyond our orders to obey._

"James isn't doing so well," Lupin told Dumbledore in a hushed voice. "Lily's conscious again, though, and she seems all right to me. Just very shaken and nervy. They _Crucioed_ her well, but she's in no danger."

Severus breathed a deep sigh of relief-- _she's alive! she's all right!--_ and a small smile nudged at the corner of his lips. _James not doing so well. That's some of the best news I've had since my godforsaken first day at Hogwarts!_

 _I do so want to see her_ , he added, his heart throbbing with pain.

"Look at him!" snarled Black, interrupting Severus' musings. The mutt was talking to McGonagall some paces to the left, and Severus realized that the other man was staring straight at him. His face immediately went inscrutable. "He's _glad_ that they were attacked. _Glad_ of it!"

"Sirius, didn't you hear what the Headmaster said?" McGonagall primly replied, though Severus could tell from her tone that she was inclined to agree with Black. "We are to _trust_ Severus."

 _Oh, shut up_ , he thought with a frown, pretending not to have heard. _Ignoring the bastard is the best course of action right now. How would it be for me if Lily came in and I was fighting her_ beloved _husband's best mate?_

"What happened, exactly?" Poppy Pomfrey was asking Remus as they left to go down a corridor. Severus stepped behind them, to listen to the conversation and hopefully be led to Lily.

"Simply put, the Death Eaters weren't fooled by Dumbledore's ruse." Lupin's voice was hard, as though he wasn't sure who to blame, or perhaps blamed himself.

"But the baby is safe?" inquired the nurse.

"In the arms of Molly Weasley right now."

"And you say James is the worst off?"

"Right. Come up with me; he's in the Master Bedroom."

"And where's Lily?" Severus inserted abruptly. The others turned around, stopping in unison. Poppy's eyebrows were raised.

Lupin smiled in his conciliatory, bittersweet way. "She's in her bedroom, Severus," he said softly. "She's safe. I just left her when you lot arrived."

"Right," Snape answered curtly, then briskly brushed past the werewolf and the healer. He didn't know where he was going, but he imagined if the Master Bedroom was upstairs, so was hers.

"Third door on the right," he heard the pacifist call, and he scowled.

And then, in a moment, he was there, standing in front of her bedroom door, and there he hesitated. His intestines must have been knotted tight, because all of a sudden he felt extremely sick.

 _I haven't seen her since...since we left Hogwarts_ , he realized, trying to keep his nervousness from triggering the gag reflex. _I...I don't know what to expect._

He had dreamed of seeing her for so long, but his pride and her pride had dually prevented a meeting. Now, his pride was shattered in this respect after being so close to losing her. _But what if she doesn't see that I've changed_? he worried, and at that moment he realized that he was trembling.

He heard businesslike clogs and tread-worn loafers on the stairs. How long had he been standing there? Only a minute, but it was long enough to suck all of his confidence out of him.

His hands were cold and clammy, like a corpse's. _Get a grip,_ he scornfully told himself, and he did--literally. His hand grasped the doorknob and twisted, but the door did not yield; it was locked. However, the kinetic force hadn't expected that, and so the whole of his body slammed against the door, his head painfully impacting the hardest.

Lily, however, as she was inside the room, only heard a knock.

"Just a minute," he heard her croak, and, in that moment, he nearly swooned.

_Lily's voice!_

The only thing that kept him from losing his balance was that Lupin and Pomfrey were walking past, and Lupin's bovine eyes were closely watching him.


	5. Chapter 5

Nausea hit him, and he tasted it at the back of his tongue.

He wasn't going in.

With a decisive swallow, he straightened up and strode after Lupin and Pomfrey.

_I can't do this. Not now. Not yet. What was I thinking? I can't barge in and try to tell her that I'm sorry--not so soon. It's been only days since I practically signed her death warrant. I don't deserve forgiveness._

Though he didn't fully acknowledge it, either, there was his pride that was at stake, too. Idealistically, he wouldn't mind prostrating himself at her feet with the offer of doing anything for her for the rest of her life. But, he was an individualist at heart--and subordination did not come easily to him. Not even subordination to the woman he cherished most in all the world.

He ducked into the room after the healer and the lycanthrope, just in time. He heard her door open, and the weary hoarse cry of "Hullo?". This was followed by a sigh, and the click of the door closing.

And he was saved from having to confront _that_ dragon. However, he realized very quickly that he had merely evaded the Hungarian Horntail's lair at the sacrifice of encountering the nest of Acromantula; three pairs of eyes were staring at him when he entered.

"I...I think I'll be leaving," he said shortly, trying not to look at the mangled mess on the bed that was indubitably James Potter. "I don't think I'm needed--or wanted, either," he added in an undertone.

"Nonsense!" Poppy Pomfrey said, bristling. "You are most _certainly_ needed. Here, hold this and keep by me."

She thrust a bedpan half-full of congealing blood into his arms and was so stunned by her abruptness that he did not resist.

Thus, his body occupied and his mind at leisure, he scanned over the sights of the room.

Potter lay on the bed, his eyes wide and vacant, reminiscent of a fawn in the headlights. His injuries were numerous--there were slashes all over his chest, arms, and even dangerously near his neck--but he seemed to have stopped bleeding, mostly.

"Do you know how to purify and de-oxidize blood, and how to infuse it back into the bloodstream?" Pomfrey was asking Lupin, who shrugged.

 _I do, actually_ , Severus thought. He was a potions master, after all, and not only that, he had enough trouble with _Sectumsempra_ in the past that he had learned what to do if there was excessive amounts of blood loss. _Does this justify helping James Potter, though?_

"Do _you_ know, Severus?" asked the Healer as he considered this, and for a long moment he deliberated his answer.

 _It is Lily's husband_ , he realized, _and it would definitely be a key piece of evidence that I've 'reformed' if I aid in this. That's something tangible, and I know she likes tangible evidence._

"I do," he solemnly replied, and without further instruction, he drew out his wand and began the incantations necessary to move the blood back into James' body. Pomfrey stood over James and continued to close the largest wounds.

Snape snuck a look at Lupin--he was alternately dabbing rubbing-alcohol on open wounds and massaging the repaired skin on James' chest with tea tree oil to prevent scarring--and then at James himself. _He doesn't look too well,_ Severus thought with mingled ecstasy and horror. _I simply don't know that there's anything we can do,_ he added with a slightly sarcastic edge. _He might, at this point, be a lost cause._

"Don't close your eyes," Remus said sharply, and Severus saw that James' head was drooping.

"He's fading!" whispered Pomfrey urgently. "Quick, Severus, more blood! I'll try to be faster to keep it from pouring out again. Oh, my poor dear, what nasty gashes," she crooned, trying to keep James' attention. "I'll be it was just _awful_ , just _awful_. I'd almost think that some of these are from a werewolf."

 _Fenrir Greyback?_ Severus thought with surprise, continuing to stir the brew in the basin. He cast a glance at Lupin, and saw that the man's lips were taught and unsmiling. _I don't suppose Pomfrey knows who she's next to_ , Severus mused, looking down again into the blood he was purifying.

What had once been red and glutinous was becoming gradually purple and more fluid. Then, as he made the last few necessary motions, the blood was once again blue.

"Quick!" Pomfrey exclaimed, "quick, get it into him!"

"Can't you do it?" he replied snippishly.

"I'm holding his veins shut, he's only got to the _tunica_ _intima_ level at the wounded places. They won't hold on their own until at least the _tunica media_. Do it now!"

And so, with a brief prayer that Lily might someday know to what extremities he went in her name, Severus knelt at the side of James Potter. And, despite the man being his former enemy, he knelt with the purpose of magically infusing Potter's lost blood back into the dying man's body.

"I'm done," he announced when the bowl was dry.

Pomfrey, with a few flicks of her wand to strengthen Potter's veins, cast diagnostic spells over James' body. Severus noticed that Lupin looked incredibly pale, and as though he were about to throw up.

"He'll be all right," Pomfrey announced with a sigh, leaning against the bedpost in relief. Remus similarly collapsed into a chair, running his greasy hands through his hair and not caring.

It occurred to Severus that--though it was unsaid--they had just saved James Potter's life.

And _he_ had been instrumental in doing that.


	6. Chapter 6

Here, Remus, you look all washed out."

Pomfrey gave the other man a glass of water that she summoned.

"I'm all right," Lupin said in protest, but his voice was weak. He took a sip, then shuddered as if at the taste. "Why doesn't he talk to us?" he whispered, "I haven't heard a word from him at all since we came in."

"Did he say anything to you before you brought him upstairs?" the healer asked, looking carefully at her patient and taking James' wrist to feel his pulse.

"He...maybe," Lupin admitted. "I'm not sure. He was moaning and crying, but I don't remember him saying anything coherent."

"Oh dear," whispered Pomfrey. "Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, dear."

She leaned forward slightly and gently shook the drowsy-looking James by the shoulders.

"James? James, hon, do you hear me?"

He did open his eyes, and his lips moved, but then he smiled absently.

"Here, Remus, you talk to him. At least let's see if he recognizes you."

"James," said the werewolf, moving over to the bed and standing next to his friend. "Prongs?" He took his friend's hand, and tapped it slightly. There was no response from the stricken man besides the same perfunctory acknowledgment he had given Pomfrey.

"That's not the way to rouse him," Severus snapped, taking an instructional tone because he was feeling awkward and neglected. "Grip him with your nails."

If Remus were Sirius, he would have bounded up and given Snape a vicious what-for, but, being more placid than that, he merely frowned.

"That's true, if it were only that he were in a daze," Pomfrey said with clinical objectivity. "However, since he's been in so much pain up until now--I think he's numb to it."

Harumphing a little, Severus crossed his arms over his chest and tried to look imposing.

"Why don't you try, Severus?" Remus suggested, looking pained. "I'm sure he'd recognize you, if only because...well...you know."

 _Because he hated me so very much_ , Snape thought with a scowl. _Well, I can't say that you're to be blamed.  
_

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	7. Chapter 7

However begrudgingly, Severus acquiesced to Remus' suggestion, and he approached James warily. His closeness elicited no visible response from the invalid, who merely appeared bemused.

 _I wonder if his mind is truly gone_. That would be one of the most...novel things Severus had ever imagined. He walked around to the other side of the bed slowly, with a methodical rhythm in his step. His eyes never ceased their cold scrutiny of the man in the bed. _James Potter reduced to a living vegetable? Well, let's stick a fork in this potato to see if it's raw._

So thinking, he suddenly reached out and attacked James' arm with his fingernails, latching onto the muscular limb with the vindictiveness of an eagle clawing a fish.

This, to everyone's surprise, did cause James to respond. "Owww," he whinged, and Severus immediately released him. The gray marks on James' sallow flesh remained pale for a moment, then turned pink. Severus wasn't paying attention to this, though, as he stared his enemy in the eyes, trying out the legilimency that he'd been working on lately.

The other man's mind was strangely blank, to the point of being very eerie. Severus withdrew after the briefest of moments, not sure how he felt about knowing that James Potter didn't remember anything about his life-- _or, more relevant to me, his wife._

He resurfaced to meet the criticism of the spectators. "That...that was uncalled for, Severus," Lupin said, his eyes wide with dismay and shock.

"He isn't bleeding," replied Pomfrey cautiously, "but still, Severus, I must agree. That was unnecessary. Especially after I told you _not_ to."

He shrugged. He didn't care.

"He said _something_ , at least," he offered in his own defense.

"True," the healer answered, "but still..."

So saying, she raised herself from against the wall where she had been leaning, and began to run diagnostic spells over the prostrate Potter. Severus, to better observe Lupin, took her place next to the werewolf.

"I'm fairly certain he's not going to remember anything for a very long time," he said in a low voice, still uncertain as to how he felt about the situation.

"Really? How horrible. Just horrible." With that, Lupin curled up on his chair, bringing his legs close to his scrawny body and nestling his head face-down between his knees. In such a position, he vaguely resembled a number six.

Which brought to Severus' mind the number twenty-six, which day of the month would be the next full moon. (In his paranoia, Severus always made sure to know what day the full moon was, and he had memorized the astrological algorithm so that he might always know when it would occur. He never wanted to be caught outside, alone, during the full moon.)

"Lupin," Severus addressed the other man with a small smirk, "I was thinking of hosting a dinner-party on the twenty-sixth of this month. We'll start at eleven and be up 'til perhaps three in the morning. Care to come?"

"How would you have me respond, Severus? 'Yes, I'd jolly well love to?'" With that, Severus noticed the other man was trembling--not in a noticeable manner, but just enough to indicate emotional distress.

 _I'm not being any better than Potter would be towards me_ , Severus realized grimly, and thought he ought to recant his words.

"Besides," Lupin added, never raising his head, "you don't need to kick a man when he's down, do you? One of my best mate's close to dead, and it could ruddy well be my own fault. Can't you leave off your petty rivalry for once?"

This shocked Severus even more than the idea that Lupin might be crying.

"You actually bloody like them," he replied, aghast. _Was I really all that wrong to think that the others were...forcing him to associate with them?_

"Yes!" Lupin replied, looking up and gazing at the darker wizard. "Why else would I be their chum?"

Severus just shook his head. _You're so naive,_ he criticized the werewolf. _Of course I would think there's something more sinister up. I'm a Slytherin. I know these kinds of things happen. Just look at Malfoy--I can't believe I was his only acquaintance that he didn't have anything to hold over my head!_ He was still miffed over the day that he had discovered this, sometime in his sixth year.

_But I won't think about that now. I'll think about it later._

Indeed, Severus had other things to worry about, for Lupin was dabbing at his wet face with a raggedy shirt sleeve and appeared pensive.

"We should talk, Severus," the other man said, careful not to look at him who he addressed.

"What about?" Snape replied scoffingly.

"Well, for instance...I'd like to know why you're here."

"That's none of your business."

"If my theory is right...then it is my business. Somewhat."

Severus was intrigued. _What does he think about me?_ he wondered, but then he felt paralyzed at the realization that _wait...he might actually know about how I...oh no._

 _Is he going to blackmail me?_ was his next thought. _Wouldn't that be ironic...when for so long I've thought he was the victim of blackmail or some other guilt-trip scheme, now he decides to turn around and use those tactics against me?_

"Yes," Severus said, carefully controlling his voice to prevent his fear from showing. "We should definitely talk, Lupin."

"When and where?" asked the werewolf amicably, but before Severus could reply, Pomfrey returned to them, looking aggrieved.

"Oh, this is so sad," she whispered, "I believe he's been struck with complete _Obliviates_ , along with the _Crucio_ he's suffered and the slashings all over him. I...there's nothing that I can do, gentlemen. I think he'll be needing to go to St. Mungo's, and I don't know that he'll be leaving very soon. I'm sorry. He mayn't ever remember anything."

Remus' face immediately contorted with hideous grief, and he ducked his head again. Pomfrey assumed a chair next to him and began to massage his back gently. "There, there," she whispered comfortingly between his sobs. In return, he grasped her in a desperate hug and cried heavily on the matron's shoulder.

It struck Severus to the core to see the other man so unhappy, and he felt, for not the first time in his life, bitterly jealous of James.

 _No one would cry so hard for me_ , he thought, his thoughts turning to self-piteous. _I'm not worth a cent to anyone now, where I stand._

"I'm leaving," he said curtly. "I'll contact you, Lupin."

Turning away, he went towards the door--only to be nearly steamrolled by Sirius, who leaped into the room like the mad dog that he was. Dumbledore tottered in behind him, his usually cheerful countenance ashen.

"Moony!" Black exclaimed, barreling over to his comrade. "Is he...?" His eyes darted to regard James, who had closed his eyes and was now breathing peacefully. Dumbledore walked over to the bedside to regard the patient.

"No, he'll live," Pomfrey replied, "largely thanks to Severus. But I must say...he's lost all his memories, from what I can tell. He's the victim of an _Obliviate_ , and someone entered his mind with legilmency, too."

With that, Severus noticed Dumbledore turn his head towards him, and he tried to swallow his panic.

"I entered his mind, but it was only for a moment," he said aloud, carefully. "I wanted to see if he truly recognized me."

Not completely satisfied, Dumbledore averted his attention once again, and Pomfrey shook her head. She was still patting Lupin's back, even though his tears were ebbing.

"Severus Snape, you're a very precocious man."

He shrugged. He didn't care. So, he left.

On his way out, he heard Lily's voice, wailing.

"It's all my fault... _all_ my fault!"

"My dear, don't blame yourself," he heard McGonagall reply, in a conciliatory manner. "I know he wouldn't blame you."

Severus sighed, trying to feel jealous of James again, but instead feeling strangely devoid of emotions.

 _I need to get some rest_ , he told himself, so, as soon as he got outside, he disapparated home.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	8. Chapter 8

The world was dreary when he awoke in the morning, his head throbbing. Gray walls stared at him with all the blank luster of enormous blind eyes. Their glares weren't directed at him personally, he knew, for they were a result of the undiscerning sunlight filtered through the drab windowpanes. Still, they were depressing, and their very shadows in the corners seemed to taunt him with their stony appearance.

 _I don't want to get up today_ , he mused soberly, feeling the weight of a seemingly meaningless existence settle upon him. _No one would care if I didn't._

The old clock on his bed-stand, a cheap aluminum and plastic affair bought from a thrift store, taunted him with the splinter of a hand that couldn't make it past the forty-second mark.

 _Tick. Tick. Tick._ It bounced and fell, bounced and fell, never moving past the cursed eight on the dial. Sometimes, watching it carefully, he could swear that it went backwards. But, logically, it couldn't have done so, because it was always at the same place. Never moving further up or down, maintaining a steady rhythm in its select section of the clock face.

The other hands worked, at least, and told Severus that it was nigh on eleven o'clock. _Do I have any reason to get up?_

He thought about it a while, then closed his eyes.

_Maybe._

As he focused on breathing deeply, trying to convince himself that a lie-in wouldn't affect his abilities to brew the potions requested by the Dark Lord for that evening's revel, he heard a shout downstairs.

"Snape! Severus bloody Snape! Where are you?"

Adrenaline coursed through him, and he sat up straight. _Someone broke through my wards! Who on earth..._

"Don' make me come in and get you! Snape!"

_Someone outside?_

He poked a cautious eye through the blind, but this was to no avail; the mangy yard was empty.

"SNAPE!"

_It sounds like...ugh, it's not Black, is it? In that case, it's probably just the Floo. I guess I didn't remember to close the connection last night.  
_

He shoved on a robe over his nightgown, raked his fingers through his hair, and descended the stairs in a hurry.

"What is it, Black?" he snarled to the living-room fireplace, where Sirius Black's head floated.

"Snape! Merlin, you took your sweet time!"

"What is it?" Severus asked again, gazing steadily at the fire. He stood, for he didn't deign to sit and address the man as an equal.

"What'd you do to James?" the other man asked angrily, his eyes full of revulsion and hatred.

"Sirius," a calmer voice interceded, "you promised not to be confrontational..."

"Lupin," Snape replied, glad that he was dealing with at least one of the more rational Marauders, ineffective as the werewolf was at preventing his friends' bullying. "What's the mutt raving about?"

"Don't call him that," chastised Lupin, leaning into the fireplace. "It isn't very polite."

"Your intrusion isn't much better," retorted Severus. "What do you two want?"

"Well, Severus, Sirius was rather of the opinion that you-"

"-YOU agreed with me, Moony!"

"-well, nonetheless, Sirius proposed the idea that maybe, Severus, when you were looking into James' mind, you saw something...anything...about the attack? Specifically, if they left any images in his mind at all?"

"That's not what we agreed on!" cut in Sirius with a roar, "I want to know exactly what he did in James' mind!"

"Hold off," commanded Severus, and the others were silent. "I saw exactly what I told you yesterday, Lupin. Nothing. His mind was entirely blank."

Lupin, at this, sighed enormously, which Severus took as a sign of relief, until the werewolf replied, "Are you absolutely certain?"

"Positive."

_They obviously think I did something to it...but what? Do they blame me for erasing it? I was in there for only a brief time, and for the duration, I wasn't using a wand. I don't know anything about how to blank the memory through legilimency, for all I know it's impossible..._

He was surprised by Lupin's next comment: "I _told_ you, Sirius!"

He was even more surprised at Black's answer: "All right, so you did."

With that, they both looked at Snape expectantly.

"Is there anything else I can _do_ for you?" he inquired, a sarcastic edge to his voice.

"Actually, yes," Lupin replied, strangely confident. "I...I said yesterday that we needed to talk, Severus, but I didn't realize how urgently we would need to until now."

Severus noticed that Black was hanging his head, and he appeared enraged, but he didn't protest at the prospect of conversation. _How decidedly odd. This must be important, if Black's backing down._

"My place or yours?" Lupin continued, and Severus saw that he had no free will in the matter.

"Mine," he returned simply, "the wards are undoubtedly stronger."

He stepped back from the Floo, and the two other men walked through. Without another word, Black flopped onto the couch, looking exhausted, though Lupin had the courtesy to shake hands with Severus.

"Now what, exactly," Severus asked quietly, "is so important to _talk_ about, that you must disturb my work?" _When they get tiresome, I'll tell them that I've got a potion on the stove, and therefore be rid of them._

Lupin shrugged, looking uncomfortable. "It...well..."

Black was more blunt. "A life or death situation," he answered instead, inspecting the tapestry of Snape's couch with disgust etched on his features.

"Whose?" Snape asked. _If they're asking me to help them, they must be desperate_ , he reasoned. _But it could very well be a trap. Or something._

Sirius' scowl discounted the last idea, though, as he stated baldly: "Mine...and yours."

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	9. Chapter 9

The world was no longer dreary now.

_My life's being threatened,_ he realized, anxiety permeating his usually stoic mien.

"Explain," he demanded coldly, gesturing for Lupin to sit down, though he remained standing.

The man did as suggested, twisting his fingers, obviously disconcerted. _Either he's feeling morally reprehensible for an enormous lie, or else the truth is so devastatingly horrible that he can't bear it._

Either way, it unnerved Severus to even speculate upon it.

"Well," Lupin said, beginning with his usual conciliatory transitory word, "last night, after you left, Dumbledore was probing James' mind for any indication as to who might have possibly engineered the attack. He said it didn't make sense that You-Know-Who was coming after James and Lily and Harry, since they weren't Aurors or anything."

_Do these blokes know about the prophecy?_ Severus wondered, reasoning that they probably didn't if they were here, speaking to him.

"Dumbledore did say there was a prophecy or somesuch, that the You-Know-Who heard," Lupin went on, and Snape nodded. _Thank you, Dumbledore_ , he praised the other man. _My reputation with these, at least, is not as bad as it could be._

"Oh, just cut to the chase," growled Sirius from the couch. He was picking apart the hem of a pillow that Severus' mum had sewn, which admittedly had seen better days, but Severus never was one to pass up a chance for criticism.

"Shut up and stop destroying my property," replied Snape acerbically.

"Well," Lupin said, a pained look coming to his face, "You-Know-Who apparently got a bee in his bonnet about little Harry and Neville Longbottom, and he thought that one of them would grow up to defeat him. So, he's out on a rampage to kill them."

"Got that," replied Snape, who couldn't see where all this would result in a life-or-death situation for _him_. "Go on."

"Well," Lupin went on, growing more and more timid every second, "Dumbledore was probing James' mind, and he found...a memory. One memory. Of the attack."

"That's impossible," Snape replied, shaking his head. "There was...nothing there. Besides, if he had been completely obliviated, then there's absolutely no chance of there being anything. He's a blank slate."

"Nonetheless, he found one. It's a very hazy memory," Lupin replied, glossing over Snape's annotation, "but the problem is...well...Sirius is in it. And Peter."

"What?" exclaimed Severus. "But...anyone with half a brain..." He looked at Sirius, who appeared more distraught than he had ever seen. _Black's too loyal to Potter to do something like that._

Lupin shook his head. "Dumbledore knows that Sirius and James were like brothers. But, that doesn't change the memory. In it, Peter was killed and dragged out by someone who was masked, and then Sirius came up and 'finished off' James."

"Don't say it like that!" demanded the mutt, standing up and snarling like the mangy dog he was.

"Sirius, do us all a favor and settle down!" rasped Lupin urgently. "Now...Severus, Dumbledore suggested that we try to combat this as best we can. It's fairly obvious that someone has decided to frame Sirius and Peter, and _he_ says that it's most likely you. However...well..."

Sirius crossed his arms akimbo in imitation of Severus, interrupting. "Moony here says he's got a hunch that it _wasn't_."

Severus began to realize for the first time exactly how bad this was. _I can't believe it...the Marauders (what's left of them anyhow) standing up for me? When they're the apparent victims of said crime?  
_

"What proof is there that I did it?" he asked quietly, sinking into the nearest armchair.

"Enough to put _you_ , poor chap, in the clanger," announced Black, sweet triumph in his voice.

"Don't talk like that," Lupin said quietly, "we may have had some...differences...with Severus over the years, but nothing that he would be induced to come to true blows over, right?" This last question was addressed to Snape himself.

_He's trivializing it!_ was his initial thought, and with this came indignant anger, but he quelled it immediately. _Well, I can either be angry that they're pretending it didn't happen or cooperate with the same attitude they have. And obviously the latter is more to my advantage at this lamentable point in time._

Severus therefore shrugged in response, hiding his feelings more than adequately. "We were schoolboys," he said carefully, eager to one-up Black's immaturity. "I suggest we...try to maintain more _adult_ attitudes, now that we're of advanced age."

There was a pause, during which Severus cast a sly look at the other man. The show was wholly for Lupin, and Black saw straight through it. Severus and Sirius met eyes for the slightest of moments, marking their territory. _This isn't a truce, just a temporary ceasefire._

"Yes," Sirius finally said, raising his eyebrows, "more _adult_ attitudes. From _all_ quarters."

_The 'all' is definitely for me_ , Severus realized, and was briefly amused.

"Agreed," Lupin said with a sigh of relief, "now, sit down, Sirius. We've got to reason this one out."

"Reason, reason," scoffed Black, but conceded the power advantage that he gained from standing.

"Now," Lupin continued, "there is a lot of evidence against you, Severus. First, there is the fact that, for the past few years, you've been involved in some rather...ahem..."

"I was involved in the Death Eaters," Snape filled in blankly, keeping the fact as detached and objective as possible. "And, of course, that would make it hard for a jury. But Dumbledore obviously knows that I've...changed allegiance...so to speak. Continue."

"Now, we weren't aware of that until last night, ourselves," Lupin said pleasantly, "but enough of that."

"But what if he isn't a real defect?" Black argued, "what if he's just tattling all our secrets to You-Know-Who?"

"We've been _over_ this already," replied Lupin. "It's up to us to trust Dumbledore on that point. Don't you think that'd be the first thing he thought of?"

"I _personally_ can vouch for myself," Severus replied smoothly, a hint of irony in his voice just to get Sirius' goat. "But pray, what other evidence is there?"

"Well," Lupin said unhappily, "We did talk about this with Dumbledore last night, after he uncovered the memory, and he showed it to us in his penseive, and even we could see that the memories had been modified enormously. Someone planted them in James' mind. So, the fact that you looked into his mind when we were healing him rather holds against you."

"But why would I do that if I were guilty of planting them in his mind? Wouldn't I want to keep as far away from his--oh." _Oh no. This does come off badly for me._ "If I had been at the attack, and planted the false memory with legilimency...of course the use of legilimency would come up in the diagnostic spells...so before the diagnostics, I needed to have a go at him in front of witnesses in order to explain the use of legilimency that would come up. Because if there was unexplained legilimency used, then the memory would be immediately called into question."

"You _did_ do it!" exclaimed Black, standing up again faster than a niffler would snatch a golden coin. "Come on, Moony."

"No, I didn't," Severus retorted, his nervousness showing by way of sarcasm. "I'm merely thinking. Are you acquainted with the process?"

"Sit, Sirius," pleaded Lupin, "just for once, don't do the rash thing."

Disobedient, Sirius stood still, shaking his head.

"Suit yourself," the other Marauder returned in a long-suffering manner. "So, Severus...assuming yourself to be innocent, as I'm willing to do, how would you explain your case?"

"Well, obviously, someone else did it," Severus said coldly. "I was Floo-calling Dumbledore at the time. He can vouch for me."

"Yes, of course," Lupin replied, "but, the question is, who did? The modified memory indicates that this crime was premeditated. In fact...well, the obvious suspect _is_ you, Severus. You heard the prophecy-"

"-We weren't supposed to tell him we knew that!" Sirius barked.

"Oh," Lupin said, his face flushing red. "I..."

"Forget it, Lupin," Severus replied, his features hard. _I rather thought they must have known_ , he told himself. "Might I ask," he proposed, "as you seem to have the fullest of Dumbledore's confidences...why it isn't Dumbledore himself here? Why did he send you two...lackeys?"

Lupin shrugged, his eyes pained. "Severus," he said, "the problem is...well, you said that Dumbledore would vouch for you."

_He won't!_ Severus thought, his eyes bulging.

"He won't," Lupin confirmed, casting his eyes to the ground.

With that, Severus realized he was a dead man walking. His chin sunk to his chest, and he swallowed back the anxiety-induced vomit that threatened to disrupt his composure.

"I'm sorry I had to tell you that, Severus," Lupin continued, his voice pure pity. "I...Sirius and I were called by Dumbledore, among the other Order members, to talk about the case, but it seems that he'd already decided that you were the one responsible for the attack. He dug up the school time-turner records, for instance, and laid out how you managed to still own one illegally."

"But I turned mine in at the end of the year, same as anyone else would!" exclaimed Severus with a scowl, knowing already that his train was headed towards a major crash.

"Not according to the Ministry records, you didn't," Lupin replied sadly. "It states that you were reassigned it for another year based on the schedule that you submitted...but then when the timetables changed for seventh year, you didn't need it, but you didn't turn it in again."

"I...I didn't keep it," replied Snape, aghast but willing to believe anything of Dumbledore at this point. "I really didn't." He looked up, meeting Lupin's eyes, and he resisted the urge to try and look into the other man's mind via those portals.

"I believe you," Lupin replied, "but the problem is, the chips are stacking up against you."

Severus saw that all too clearly. "May I ask," he proposed, changing the subject slightly, " _why_ you're so convinced I didn't do it?"

"I'm not," Sirius Black put in from the other side of the room. (He was only half paying attention, instead looking over Snape's bookshelves, pulling out the occasional tome, flipping through it with disgust on his face, and shoving it back roughly.)

"Well," Lupin replied, a plaintive smile on his lips, "I think...and, mind you, I've always thought..." He leaned towards Severus' ear to whisper, "...dash it, I _know_ you're in love with Lily."


	10. Chapter 10

Hell no," replied Severus, feeling winded and vulnerable. He felt the spots of red rise on his cheeks, and he tried to scowl even as his facial muscles willed him to smile with embarrassment. "No. Not at all."

"Methinks he doth protest too much," Lupin whispered, a sloppy grin appearing on his face. Snape wanted to slap him.

"Ladies, ladies," Sirius said from across the room, "what on _earth_ are you gossiping about?"

"None of your bloody business, Black," Snape replied coldly. "Nor any of yours either, Lupin."

"Remus...do call me Remus. I'm your ally, you know."

"I won't believe it until I see it."

"Well," Lupin said, "what choice do you have but to believe it? Otherwise, you're rather alone, aren't you?"

Snape snarled. "Your arrogance is disgusting, Lupin. First, why do I even have to believe that what you say about Dumbledore turning against me is even true? You might be trying to turn me against my only benefactor as some sort of a prank."

The werewolf appeared truly hurt at this suggestion. "Severus, this isn't a prank. And whenever have I been part of anything that James and Sirius did to you?"

Disregarding this insertion, Severus merely sneered, "Second, how are you to know that Dumbledore's turning against me wouldn't be the motivation I need to turn back to the Death Eaters? They wouldn't have betrayed me so quickly as Dumbledore seems to have done. I'm not disposable, not to the Dark Lord."

"That's not what we're trying to make you do!" Lupin cut in, appalled at the very suggestion. "Severus, do be reasonable! I...I personally am _thrilled_ that you've come to your senses. For so long you've been a lost soul--the last thing we want is for you to bolt away as soon as you've rejoined the flock!"

At that, Sirius snorted from his corner. "Don't pay him no mind, Snape. He's got this religious bee in his bonnet lately, what with all this death going on 'round here."

"Sirius! Cut that out!" So saying, Lupin sighed. "All right, Severus. I can understand why you might have doubts. How can I convince you of our veracity?"

" _Your_ veracity, Moony. I take no part in this," interjected Sirius coldly, throwing himself over the backboard of the couch and landing in a sprawl on the seat.

Lupin sighed again, clearly aggrieved. "All right, _my_ veracity?"

In response, Severus shook his head. "I...I'd like to talk to Dumbledore," he said, determined to hear his side. _Maybe it's not as bad as they're making it out to be. Maybe they misunderstood Dumbledore, somehow. Maybe Dumbledore has another spy in the Death Eaters..._

He knew this to be impossible, though.

"Why are you so impatient that I accept you as an ally, though?" he challenged, looking at Lupin closely. The werewolf shrugged, calmer since Snape apparently wasn't striking out all possibilities yet. "Is it just because I'm a 'lost soul?'"

This was a question that Lupin was ready to answer.

"Partially," he said, "though not the main reason. First...I really don't think you're a bad chap, Snape, and I regret the fact that we've never gotten on well."

"In other words," Snape sneered, his voice approaching a whisper, "you're guilty for not helping me when Black, Potter, and Pettigrew ganged up on me while we were in school."

"Well..." Lupin tried to evade the honest answer, but his eyes belied his discomfort. "...Somewhat."

Snape sat back, satisfied. "Continue," he replied, returning to his shield of objectivity.

"Second," Lupin continued, "you've got so many skills that we could use, in this war, that it'd really not be good to have on the other side, you understand? Cunning. Talent. Strength. You also think like...well, you think like a Slytherin, and since the majority of our enemy is Slytherin, it makes sense that we take more Slytherins on our side. That way we better know how to defeat them, you understand."

"Oh, isn't that a load of tosh!" crowed Black with a roar of laughter. "Don't be deceived, Snape! The _real_ reason he's bein' a kiss-arse is because he's got assigned a suicide mission, and he wants someone to come along and be his nanny!"

"Sirius, stop being immature!" exclaimed Lupin, taking a turn for the furious.

"Yes, Black," repeated Severus, a sly grin coming on his face, " _stop_ being _immature_." Nonetheless, he was glad to have this new information under his belt. "But, I must ask, is any of that true, Lupin?"

Appearing disgruntled, though not overly so, Lupin sighed. "Well...I was...well...I was hoping." He buried his head in his hands. "I was going to do it with Sirius--"

"--and I would do it!--" interrupted Sirius gallantly.

"--but Dumbledore's said that he's got to stay at Grimmauld Place for now, at least until this matter with the memory is cleared up. No sooner than that. And, at the same time, Dumbledore wants him to stay and protect Lily and little Harry."

"So," Snape asked, trying to piece their spotty reasoning together, "where does that involve me?"

Sirius snorted, and Lupin sighed again. (A habit he seemed to be making a new hobby of.)

"I know this sounds really...presumptuous on my part..." Lupin began, "but...if, as I suppose, you wouldn't hurt the Potters, for such a reason as I've already brought up, then I can take for granted that _you didn't contribute to the attack on the Potters_ , and then it stands to reason that someone else did, and you're a convenient victim who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or, simply framed. By whom, I have no idea, but I don't like the suspects on the table."

"And whom are they?" Snape asked.

Lupin looked a little sick. "I...well, there aren't that many, are there?" he said, "At least, not many that could have been responsible for putting the memory in James' head. First there's James, then Lily, then Healer Pomfrey, then...well...the attackers...but, it seems to me, there's only one _real_ possibility: _Dumbledore_."

"Hm!" replied Snape incoherently. _I didn't think of that. But why would he want to do me in?  
_

"In any case," Lupin said, "based on whom you're up against...well, it just looks too unfair. So, I was supposing, since I'm assigned to go on a mission on the Continent, to search for the wandmaker called Gregorovitch. However, as I'm told by Dumbledore, the man's retired and in hiding in one of the most dangerous regions of Romania. And, there's apparently a party of You-Know-Who that's out there with the same mission. The chances of me surviving are higher than Sirius projects, but there is a risk involved."

"Admittedly," Sirius said, turning strangely pensive, "I myself would feel safer if you went with him, Snape. Now that...now that James isn't much more than...well...Remus is my best mate now, and possibly my only mate, now with Peter being missing and all. I still don't trust you, and I still think you're a git...but if Remus trusts you, then hell, it's better than him going alone."

"What do I get out of it?" Snape asked, though he was beginning to understand what they were getting at.

Remus appeared pained, but determined. "Severus, you get a free and anonymous Portkey out of England--no one has to know you've gone, not even Dumbledore--and a chance to avoid a long life at Azkaban. Better free to be free in a place like hell, they say, than living under lock and key in a place like heaven."

Snape saw several major flaws in the plan, but he only addressed the biggest one. "So, what if we arrive in Romania and I ditch you in the forest for dead?"

Remus shrugged. "Well, then I'll be a little bit worse off, but I'll also have done my good deed for the day."

_There's got to be another catch_ , Snape thought, but he didn't feel like there was one. _Of course_ , he realized unhappily, _I'll probably never see Lily again if I decide to stay in Romania._

"Let me talk to Dumbledore, and see where I stand with him," he replied slowly, "and, if his case against me is really as dire as you say...well...I'll consider your generous offer very carefully...Remus."

The werewolf's eyes lit up, and he smiled.

"Thanks, Severus," he said gratefully. "I don't have the portkey yet, but I'm scheduled to leave on the third. Is that all right?"

"Yes," Snape replied, feeling ashamed that the man's incessant politeness made him feel even more beholden.

After this, Remus stood up, and Sirius followed.

"I'll contact you once I've talked to Dumbledore," Snape replied. "By the way, Remus...exactly how much do you trust Dumbledore?"

"With everything," answered Black, but Lupin's less hasty answer was more thoughtful:

"Less than I trust you, Severus."

_What on earth does he mean by that?_ Severus wondered.

They exchanged Floo numbers, and soon the two Marauders were gone.

_How strange all this is_ , Severus thought, and he sat down to contemplate the strange course of events.

<


	11. Chapter 11

Soon Severus was settled in Dumbledore's office. _This is going to take some careful navigating on my part_ , he acknowledged, his face as inscrutable as a plain oak door. _I can't say for certain that he's on my side, based on the information that was given me by Lupin, but then, I can't be certain that_ Lupin's _not on my side, based on the fact that Lupin was trying to poison my opinion of Dumbledore. So, whom to believe?_

Severus was well aware that, if Dumbledore were the manipulative man Remus Lupin imagined him to be, then the headmaster would wants to convince Snape to sit tight and pretty while he drew loops around him. On the other hand, Severus was going to make darn sure that the loops weren't going to be tied around him. The problem was, he had to dodge the slow-moving lasso as subtly as possible.

_Thank goodness I'm a Slytherin._

"So, Severus? To what might I owe the pleasure of this unexpected visit?"

Dumbledore withheld his offer of lemon drops, for once, and Severus was relieved. "I'm interested in the investigation of the attack on the Potters. What is the Order doing?"

The old man smiled brightly. "Well, Severus, the usual investigations are being undergone."

"Excellent," Severus replied, suspicious of the other's vagueness. "Are there any leads? Concerning the identities of the attackers, I mean."

"Oh, yes." Severus wasn't expecting this answer from Dumbledore, but he listened intently to the other's description. "There is one lead. Actually, it's a memory of some masked men that I managed to dredge up out of James' subconscious mind."

"Well!" Snape exclaimed, feigning surprise.

"Indeed, 'well!'" replied Dumbledore, chuckling. "It's determined that it's definitely Death Eaters that did the deed."

Severus carefully brought his eyebrows together in consternation. "I thought there was no question of that."

Here he recognized that Dumbledore was treading in deep water. "Well, Severus, there was some question of that...but not from anyone but the Ministry. In any case, one or two of the men drew their masks off...so it's very possible that we'll be able to identify them."

"Identify them?" Snape asked, then grinned. "I think I can do that quite easily. You needn't my testimony to go and find them, right? It'll make things quite simple for you. May I see the memory?"

"Oh, well, there's only one little problem with that," Dumbledore replied, unfazed. "I don't have it. The Aurors have it."

Severus, though he had known from Lupin's news that this was an enormous cause for concern on his part, just began to realize the enormity of what he was up against. _And if Dumbledore's against me, and the Ministry's against me, and the Aurors are against me, I really don't stand a chance, do I?_

 _"_ You've involved both the Ministry and the Aurors? And therefore this is turning into a case for Wizegamot?," Snape asked aloud. "I thought we'd deal with this on our own. With the Order."

A sickly smile emerged on Dumbledore's face. "Well, Severus, we can't be a vigilantes group, can we? I've been...under a bit of pressure lately concerning our illustrious Order of the Phoenix, because apparently that's what some people in politics perceive us as. Unfortunately, that limits me and my own capabilities, so while I'm busy trying to prove that we're not rashly taking the law into our own hands, the whole purpose for our founding is neglected."

Severus nodded. "I see, sir. May I ask, now, is James Potter recovered from the attack?"

The other man turned more serious. "Not at all. The more's the pity. We can't get him to speak anything coherent, he doesn't recognize anyone he sees...he can't feed himself or any of his daily ablutions...he's no more than a child."

With reverence, Severus turned his eyes down towards his shoes. "That's terrible."

"Indeed. Some would prefer death to such a state." Dumbledore sighed. "I myself would. The loss of the cognitive senses...what a trauma that would be. I can't even imagine it. Of course, if it were my reality, I wouldn't know enough to complain would I? Or would I instead realize that there was something missing, and pine away trying to fill the hole in my psyche?"

After that little ramble, Dumbledore needed to be guided away from the meadows of speculation and back onto the hard dirt road of reality. _However_ , Severus thought, flipping back briefly over his mental notes, _I can't see that he's been trying to guilt-trip me today, and I haven't felt that he's lied about anything...not yet..._

"I'm sure I don't know, sir," Severus replied gracefully, realizing afterward that he sounded just like a deferential butler. "But, Headmaster, I must ask you this: Voldemort wants me to be part of a mission in Romania. It's considered a true honor, and many men of circumstance in the Death Eaters are jealous of me. However, I was selected for my Mastery in Potions. Apparently, it will be called to use. There are, of course, others who are willing to take my place in the case that I refuse, but it's strongly recommended that I do not refuse. Do I have your blessing in this endeavor, and is there anything I should do while on this trip?"

Again, Severus felt Dumbledore's cold smile on him. "Oh, no, actually. Keep your ears and eyes open, of course, but besides that...I can't think of anything. Save that you might educate your friends about manners, as I already recommended to you before."

 _He didn't even mention that Lupin would be there_ , Severus noted, not sure what to make of the fact. _Either Lupin's lying or he is. But, either way, I'm sure Dumbledore isn't about to let me off that easy._

"Might I ask, Severus...just when do you leave?"

 _Just what I was waiting for!_ Severus thought, inwardly grinning. He maintained his dull composure, however.

"The sixth is the date of our estimated departure, in the evening. That way those of us who work can finish the workweek without needless absence."

"Ah, then you've got plenty of time to prepare," Dumbledore said. Severus caught a slight indication of insincerity in this innocent comment, somehow, and doubled his guard.

"Yes sir. Though, honestly, there's not that much I'll be needing to take, just the essentials. Clothes and such. And the potions supplies." He remained purposefully dodgy.

"Well," Dumbledore said, "I just hope that everything will be all right on your trip. Do you know what you'll be doing yet, specifically? Anything about where you'll be and at what time or day?"

Severus shook his head. "Not at all. I believe it is rather to be an impromptu journey. But, would you like me to keep you informed as we make our plans as we travel?"

"Absolutely," Dumbledore replied. "You are my spy, after all. Do you know," he added in a chipper tone, "this sounds rather like we're planning a hunting expedition or something just as charming."

"Harumph," Severus replied, but then decided to change the subject again. "How's Lily coping with James being...incapacitated?

Dumbledore again turned serious, and Severus marvelled at the immense versitility of the man's face. It could apparently mold and remold at will to express what would be deemed the 'appropriate' moods. "She's not very well at all," Dumbledore said rationally, "Remus Lupin and Sirius Black spend a lot of their time at her home now, I know. They really are her only consolation."

 _Yet you're going to send Remus Lupin halfway around the world, leaving the inept Sirius to deal with the hysterical woman. Great. We all know how that's going to end,_ Severus thought, his mind turning morbid. _Sirius will not succeed in doing anything but making Lily angrier, since his brand of comfort is to laugh things off...either that, or they'll end up in bed together, since I'm sure the only other form of comfort that he endorses is the kind that gives mutual benefit._

Thoroughly disgusted by this point, Severus just nodded in response to Dumbledore's next question, "Will you be needing something special from Gregorovitch?"

"I'm not entirely sure," Snape replied, noting with slight alarm that Dumbledore had used the correct wandmaker's name as though he knew it already. _From assigning Lupin's mission, no doubt. Granted, how many unfindable wand-makers are there in Romania?_

However, he was still distracted by the burning hatred in his gut that had exploded with the idea of his beautiful Lily and Black... _erhgh. And I really don't want to see Lily preggers with Black's spawn._

_I wonder, how should I exactly deal with Lily? Maybe I should just go to her after I leave here? I'd really like to talk to her...especially if I die in Romania and_ _I never see her again._

Having gotten a conclusive amount of evidence by this point, Severus stood and decided to leave.

"I must be going, headmaster, I'm late for an appointment. But I will contact you soon."

The old man nodded, solemnly putting a lemon drop in his mouth. "Mind you don't leave town, Severus, before the sixth. I may need you. Understood?"

With a brief incline of his head, Severus replied, "Understood. I don't have business abroad anyway, though, headmaster, so don't fear for my loyalty on that account."

It was a blatant lie, but Dumbledore seemed to be deceived. His eyes twinkled no less luminously as Severus left via the Floo.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	12. Chapter 12

After this...interesting visit...Severus Flooed home and began to make preparations, thinking all the while.

_Fact: Dumbledore did NOT tell me that Lupin was going to Romania. So, either Lupin (and Sirius) are lying, or Dumbledore's hiding the information from me._

_In he case of the first, why would they lie? It could very easily be a trap that they're setting to kill me. Why? Pure and simple hatred? Or maybe they believe what they said Dumbledore said about me...that I'm the one responsible for the attack...and they made up all that tripe about me being framed to set me off my guard, so that I'd trust them. All right, so they could very well be trying to kill me._

_However, this sort of thing really isn't their style. Black tried to kill me once, by inciting my curiosity and by using Lupin as a tool. That's quite different from this--Lupin's doing the persuasion, instead of being the guillotine, and he's inviting me to reason things out. They're not just giving me red herrings. On that note, Black was really recalcitrant to even participate in this, or so it appeared. This doesn't, I think, have the hallmark of a prank. At least, not a prank on Black's part. Maybe it's a scheme, but it's not a prank. They aren't going to get a riotous laugh out of the results of this. Either it's the truth, or it's a sadistic scheme. I'm certain on that point now._

_In the case of the second, why would Dumbledore hide the information, and why would he be interested in doing so? I am a spy for him--granted, not his best spy, perhaps, considering the damage I've already done that I'm trying to atone for--but I should think I'm not a bad one. At least, as long as he doesn't question my loyalty...which is hard for him, I assume, since my reason for converting seems, to him, to be based on lust rather than anything else. He...he doesn't understand that Lily's more to me than a shag I've wanted since a little kid. Ergh!_

He cringed at the very thought that he might be considered so shallow and so perverted. (Though, at the back of his mind, he could remember a few times when he'd let his infatuation get the better of him and he'd wanked in the dark of night, imagining her naked at his side. And for all this, he was ashamed.)

However, as he looked into his mirror--a Muggle one, since it was his father's house that he lived in--he could understand how he might be perceived in such a light. His stingy hair, which he hadn't had the chance to wash all week, framed his face like limp spaghetti, his acne was acting up as usual, and the baggy old clothes he wore (from his deceased father's closet) were sized to accommodate an enormous pot-belly that Severus had thankfully avoided acquiring of yet.

_Of course,_ he realized sadly, _I'm no lover boy, much less the Princely and gallant young man of noble ideals and courtly love that might sweep a woman off her feet. I look like the scum of the earth, like I know nothing but of the lower classes, nothing but of 'the pleasures' of rough young barmaids and the occasional street whore. Which, of course, is far from true...but Circe! One's lower birth doesn't necessitate that one can't respect women!_

Having made himself thoroughly depressed, he pondered over the idea that...perhaps...he ought to dress up to visit Lily.

_I want to show her that I've 'reformed'. One of the most obvious ways is...well...to try and make an effort with one's appearance._

So, he left the room and climbed the stairs to dig in his father's old closet in the hopes of finding at least a blazer and collared shirt.

_What other reasons might Dumbledore have it in for me?_ he wondered purposefully as he searched. _Or, maybe it's someone else._

He began to mentally list his perceived enemies, but found that very few of them could have had any real connection to the mystery.

_Maybe it's all a farce, maybe none of it's real. Perhaps they're all just trying to get at me_. _They could be all in it. But what would they ultimately want me to do? The best I can give is my mind, at the worst I can give my life._

He found a passable shirt, sport-coat, and trousers, which he reduced via transfiguration so that they didn't require sticking charms to remain on his body, and then he stood at the mirror to reduce some pimples.

_Am I in the way of someone who wants to do something? Maybe...is this land that I live on worth anything? Is there something that my mum has from her old family up in the attic, some heirloom that someone wants? Is one of the old books on our shelves downstairs worth some extraordinary amount?_

He began cataloging his possessions in this way, but couldn't think of anything that anyone would find worth removing him to jail--or killing him--to get.

_This is getting to be hopeless_ , he decided, sitting down on the bed. He was dabbing at his face with a tissue to reduce all the numerous red spots of blood. _Let me start over and do this more systematically. What motives would anyone want to 'remove' me, temporarily or permanently, to Azkaban, or death?  
_

_1\. Revenge/Hatred. Suspects--the Marauders._

Revenge for what, he couldn't say...but, as far as he could determine, the only real reason that they hated him was 'because he existed', as James so judiciously declared one time. Not anything worth killing him or imprisoning him, but definitely worth bullying him.

_2\. Property. Suspects--?_

He couldn't think of any suspects who might have that motive. Spinner's End was not a desirable part of town, and, as far as he knew, there were no significant natural resources on the tiny lot.

_3\. Money. Suspects--?_

He had no idea to whom his feeble Gringott's account would go to in the event of his death. _I should make a will, then. To charity._ With that, he made a mental note to see a lawyer that afternoon.

_4\. Love. Suspects--?_

Here he came to a halt. _Am I in the way of somebody on that battleground?_ he wondered, then took a step back to analyze his life.

There was only one woman that came to mind: Lily.

_Am I in the way of...someone...in regards to Lily?_

He thought about it, and suddenly, things began to make sense. _Someone removed James, who (I can only presume) loved Lily. He was a major obstacle. Now he's worth nothing to her._

_Now someone wants to remove me, because I guess, as Lily's former best friend turned back to her...well, I guess I come up as the next most likely victim. Who would want to remove me, though, and take my place?_

The only answer he could come up with was Lupin.

_He knows I love her, by whatever device, and he uses it as his primary rationale to suppose that I'm innocent of originating the attack. And it'd be very easy for him to modify the memories, I think, and put them in James' head._

But then, he thought about it, and had to laugh.

_Lupin's one of the most passive dunderheads I know. He wouldn't have the cunning or drive to actually do it. Maybe he would think about it, if he was in love with her, but I don't think he would do it._

_But Black would._

This gave rise to another train of thought.

_So, perhaps Black and Lupin both love Lily and therefore want to get rid of..._

Then he realized just how ridiculous this was.

_They prided James before her. I know it. They wouldn't let their best mate suffer just for a woman._

So, he scrapped the whole idea, only to be distracted by a further contemplation in this vein. _Oh Merlin_ , he realized, _what if Dumbledore thinks that my love for Lily is what drove me to make the attack? What if that's why he's lost faith in me?_

He didn't have an answer to that.

_I'll talk to him tomorrow. Tell him...tell him anything. Oh, I can certainly see why my head's on the chopping block now! Did I have to be such an absolute fool? I fairly put myself in this position with the simple incriminating fact that I revealed my adoration!_

He felt very much like sulking at this point, and he collapsed on the bed, his shirt unbuttoned and his face still splotch, and he lay there for ten minutes or so. Finally, he roused himself.

_I'll go talk to Lily,_ he decided, _and I'll...I'll not tell her I love her. I'll just ask her to forgive me. That's all. And then I'll disappear in Romania as soon as I get there with Lupin. I'll live as a hermit. Then life will be much more simple, and I'll not have to deal with all of this nasty intrigue and such.  
_

With this determination, he sat up, went to the mirror, and began to mend his facial epidermis with his wand.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

I don't write purely for reviews and love from readers, but makes the top ten list. Please fulfill my dreams to get a thousand-review story! It really only takes a second.

A/N: brandon279 asked me: you made Dumpldore appear to be manipulative, but why should he suspect Snape  
of doing in James, if he wanted to do that, why would he bother to defect into the order. plus why does not Snape prove that he does not have any time turner. plus till now, Snape is Dumbledoors only spy, he should not get rid from him due to mere suspicions.

I respond: Good of you to think critically; I need that with this story, since I don't have everything planned out.

-Dumbledore, one might presume, suspects that Snape maybe defected from the Death Eaters with the cock-and-bull story about being in love with Lily...partially to become a spy in the Order, and, on the side, to get his revenge on James and the Marauders in general. On the other hand, notice that Dumbledore's making sure that all of the Marauders are being isolated from one another--what do you make of that?

-Why doesn't Snape prove he doesn't have a timeturner? Well, how does one prove that one doesn't have something? The only alternative is a search or diagnostic or something. But, at the same time, in the wizarding world, such spells are usually reserved for searching for 'dark objects', so a time-turner wouldn't be found, I suppose. That's not a great explanation, but that's the one I'm working with.

-Well, we don't know that Snape is Dumbledore's only spy. What about Regulus Black? I mean, in canon it's fairly obvious that he's working on his own, but couldn't he have been working with Dumbledore to some degree if he hadn't died? There's also one other spy that Dumbledore had in their ranks...and then also Severus. In other words, I think a simple spy is expendable in Dumbledore's view.

Thanks for these questions! They get me thinking and keep me from swerving in the wrong direction with this fic!


	13. Chapter 13

Lupin was the secret-keeper of Lily's new location, and he gladly told Severus where she and the boy now resided.

"It's the home where she grew up, Severus," Remus said via the Floo. "She said she'd feel safest there."

So, Severus walked the old sidewalks down three streets until he got to the Evans'. He passed the playground where they'd spent so much of their youth, and he was saddened to see all the playground equipment was rusty and abandoned.

Sooner than later, he rang the bell of Lily's home, as he had done so many times in his childhood and teen years, noticing that the porch light seemed to have gotten lower. _Rather, I've gotten taller_ , he noted. He was very self-conscious of himself at this time, and he smoothed down his immaculate shirt and pulled at his unfamiliar pony-tail nervously.

 _Will she accept me? Do I look serious? Do I look too serious, like I was trying to dress serious and overdid it?_ Then he grimaced.

_Cripes! There's grass on my shoes! I oughtn't have walked on the lawn._

However, before he could do anything to rectify the matter, The door opened inward, and Severus hung his head, already ashamed for his boldness. _I don't think she'll understand,_ he mused unhappily. _I fear she'll keep her grudge._

"Se-Severus?"

He dared to raise doleful eyes to meet those of his beloved. She wasn't looking at him, though, but at the floor. Her eyes were rimmed with red, and she was dressed in a man's dress shirt with the initials J.P. on the pocket.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, apparently not sure whether she should be frightened or not.

_Appropriately, she wants proof that I'm not here to kill her. Smart woman._

"I...I came to see you," he said slowly. He forced himself to look at the ground, at his grass-covered shoes. Otherwise, he'd be staring jealously at the monogram on her pyjamas, and she'd think that he was staring at her knockers. "Have people told you anything about me?"

"Lupin said you've forsaken your Death Eaters," Lily replied, sounding incredulous. "He says you've turned spy."

"Yes," he replied. "That's true." Then Severus felt two green eyes focusing on him, and he raised his head to try and meet them--but, in his humility, he failed. "I...owe you," he said softly. And then, he realized that he hadn't meant to say precisely that, and he felt his cheeks grow hot. "The deepest of apologies, I mean. I mean..."

His throat was tight with tears, and as he restrained them, he felt a pain as sharp as if two daggers were plunged in his neck.

His pain seemed to work to his advantage, though, as Lily's hard face softened marginally.

"Come in," she said, kindly but firmly, and he thought how relieved he was that she hadn't slammed the door in his face.

The house was dusty, and he detected the faint scent of mildew. He could taste the graininess of the air on the roof of his mouth. But, the afternoon sunlight shone through the windows hopefully, and he derived strength from it. As he cast his gaze around the place, he realized how much the place had changed so little. The various bric-a-brac and wall ornaments were all just as Mrs. Evans had placed them, once upon a time.

It struck him that Lily didn't invite him to sit down, but she collapsed onto the divan and then proceeded to stare at him long and hard. He recognized that look; it reminded him of better times, fonder times when he thought he could get away with sketchy excuses and didn't realize how fragile their bond of friendship was. _I'm about to be put to judgment_ , he realized, _and I do hope I pass the trial._

Finally, Lily stirred herself and asked, her voice still rough from crying, "Why are you here?"

He tried to meet her eyes, but couldn't. "I...I saw recently that you...you were right all along. My friends were of evil temperament. I want you to know, now, I see that."

"I see," Lily said, and he was surprised at the hard stoniness of her voice. "But why are you _here?_ "

"I needed to apologize," he said, and swallowed hard.

"For what?"

 _She's not making this easy_ , he saw, but he hadn't expected anything better.

"For putting you in danger...for being a pigheaded idiot and not listening to you...for calling you that name...for abandoning our friendship...for being an absolute nutcase..." He tried again to hold his chin up and meet her eye, but her focus was elsewhere, however, and he let his head droop again, his hair falling across his face.

"I came to offer an apology, Lily," he began again. "I've come to see the error of my ways, and I just thought that I should tell you. I am...worthless, really worthless. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, but...I'm trying."

"Oh, Severus!"

To his immense surprise, she leaped from the divan and put her arms around his torso, leaning her head on his shoulder and sobbing out her heart.

_Is...what?_

He was quite flabbergasted.

_Is this...real? Was it just that easy?_

"Oh my goodness!" she raved, and he began to see that she really wasn't fooling him. "I can't believe it! Oh, Severus...oh my goodness...I always knew you'd come back! Oh, I've so missed you!"

He was more stunned than he'd been in years.

 _Wow. If I knew it was going to be that simple, I'm sure I would have done this sooner!_ he thought. _All I had to do was admit I was wrong and prove I thought so._

Awkwardly, he patted her on the back, feeling his face heat up as he realized that he could feel two soft pressures against his stomach.

 _She isn't wearing...any support...under her shirt..._ he mused with intense embarrassment, but then he just smiled. _It makes it more real, doesn't it?_

And he banished further thoughts on this point from his mind.

 _She needs me, that's the main thing,_ he told himself. _She needs me, and not (what remains of) James Potter._

She cried on his shoulder for a few minutes, wherein Severus closed his eyes and took in her scent, the feeling of her in his arms, and reveling in both.

 _It_ 's _been so long_ , he thought. _So very long indeed. But_ , he also noted with a shy grin, _I've never held her like this before, from what I can remember. I like it._

Finally, after a point, Lily drew away and collapsed again on the couch.

"I feel so much better now, to know that you're on our side," she said softly. "I was always so worried about you. I..." She paused. "...I can't imagine what it must have been like, to be among such evil people."

 _Not all of them were 'evil', per se_ , Severus thought, _but their actions were too often driven by selfish_ _motivations. Such is the curse of the Slytherin House, though, and therefore it was acceptable among us._ However, he wasn't going to press his luck by arguing, so he maintained his silence, waiting for a suitable place to reply.

"I knew you weren't like them, though," Lily continued, curling up and wrapping her arms around a pillow. "Not you. You may have cared very little for other people in theory, but, when it came down to it, you didn't want to hurt people at all. What..." She had the look of a well-meaning schemer on her face, as though she was interested in testing the waters to see exactly how far he would go beyond his normal reservations.

_Five years ago, I wouldn't have responded in kind to her embrace--so she might think--and now that she thinks she's testing my boundaries, she's going to try and push more buttons._

It was irritating, and Severus knew very well that she might hit a few buttons that he didn't want pressed. However, he kept his impeccable composure.

"What were you going to ask?" Severus proposed meekly.

"I was going to ask...did you have to kill people?"

He cast his eyes down in shame. _Leave it to Lily to yank out the dirty laundry already._ But, he begrudgingly acknowledged, airing out the dirty laundry made for a clean house.

"I...I tried to avoid that as much as possible," he stated, trying to sound as truthful as possible, but he vividly remembered how, in his early days, he had indeed lusted after human blood of some kind. It was only after the first group killing that he realized that the thing wasn't nearly as satisfying as it sounded when the other men talked about it.

She appeared pained when he brought his eyes up to meet hers. "How many?" she asked.

"Not...not many," he said, "but enough to ensure that I won't be going to my Eternal Reward."

"Oh," she replied sadly, and her eyes seemed to well up once more. "My poor dear friend."

"I...I have a confession to make, on that point," he said quietly, sinking down into the nearest chair, hating himself and feeling incredibly worthless. "I...I am indirectly responsible for your attack the other night, once removed from the Dark Lord," he recounted, his face pointing downwards in shame once more. "There was a prophecy, and I heard it, and I told it to Voldemort, and he almost marked you and your son for death as a result."

"So," Lily said, her tears growing cold on her face, "what did the prophecy consist of, Severus?"

Without looking at her, he recited it. The words had stressed and cracked his heart like water in pipes, first swelling him with false pride and then almost breaking him with the pain of causing the death of his loved one.

" _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..._ "

He stopped, shaking his head sadly. "I didn't hear all of it, because Aberforth Dumbledore threw me out, but after I revealed it to Voldemort, he acquired information as to what I missed. I don't know how he got it, but I'm sure it's correct."

Lily seemed to have grown more weary, and she asked, "Did Voldemort knew of the prophecy through _you_ , then, Severus?"

"I admit it," he replied, keeping a close watch on his shoelaces, "but, at the last minute, he decided that Neville Longbottom is the one slated to defeat him--not your son." He heard her whisper _Poor Alice and Frank!_ under her breath. "In theory, because of this, you shouldn't have had such a scare as you've had. But, the Longbottoms protected their son."

"Like I did Harry," she replied, her voice firm. Severus couldn't tell if she intended to take back the forgiveness she'd already spared him, or if she'd let him keep it, with some reservation.

 _It was just too easy_ , he bemoaned. _Just like me to screw things up for myself._

"Is...is that the reason you came back to us? Because you saw that James and Harry and I might have died?"

He still couldn't tell if her voice's hardness was like diamonds or steel, and he shook his head.

"No. As soon as I saw how the Dark Lord interpreted the information I gave him, I couldn't fight with them anymore. Right now...right now I'm a spy, though, so I've still got to associate with them."

_I'm just a sodding, stupid arse. That's not nearly enough to recompense for all the damage I've done over my time as a Death Eater._

"It's not much of a retribution," he went on, miserable, "but it's something."

He felt her gaze on him still, and he dared to glance up at her eyes. They were foggy, and actually not very focused. She appeared to be looking through him rather than at him.

"It is something," she replied, then fell silent.

The quiet was too much after a few minutes, and Severus hurriedly spewed out the first words he could think of to say.

"I'm going with Remus Lupin on a mission to Romania in a day or two, Lily, and I may not come back."

"What?" This startled her out of her reverie. "What did you say?"

"I said," he mumbled, realizing that it was silly to think she would care at that point, "I'm going out of the country on the third."

"Why?" she queried, and he heard her voice was tight. "You say it's with Remus?"

"Yes. Dumbledore's sending him on a dangerous mission, and I've volunteered to go along."

A disconcerted look in her eyes, she nodded.

"Don't talk about it with Dumbledore, however," Severus continued, realizing that he might just have done the wrong thing in telling her, "I...erm...volunteered without him knowing. I'd rather he not know about it, because I'm due to be doing something else for him."

"So instead you decided to go against Dumbledore and aid Remus on his mission?" she replied, clearly puzzled. "Whatever for?"

He could only think of one feasible reason that she might accept. "To...make up for things. It's not much, but I hope I can keep him alive in the territory that he might otherwise not survive in. Besides," he added, rather more amused, "I don't particularly like to follow the Headmaster's orders entirely. I'm my own man, not Dumbledore's Man."

"I see," Lily said, and, for the first time that evening, he saw a wholehearted smile on her face. "I'm so proud of you, Sev. Just...oh my goodness, you've really grown up. I feel..." She suddenly laughed. "I think your mother might feel like I feel right now, if she were alive today."

 _She feels...motherly towards me?_ He really didn't like that idea. _I want to be her lover, not her son! Besides, I'm older than her. It's not her place to be motherly towards me. But,_ he realized, examining the flip side, _if she loves me like a son, mightn't she come to love me better with time?_

It occurred to him thus that he ought to be really grateful for anything he got. _I really can't complain at this point. She loves me...to some degree...and Merlin forbid that I ever feel ungrateful for so much! I can be content with merely that._

With that reasoning behind him, he forced a small smile.

"Thank you, Lily," he replied carefully. "It...means the world to me to know that."

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	14. Chapter 14

Lily laughed again, and wiped her face with the sleeve of James Potter's pyjama shirt. Irritated that she had to resort to such banalities, Severus handed her a handkerchief. (He'd taken a leaf out of Lucius' book and put one in his left pocket.) He also wondered if she felt awkward after that admission, pressing his lips together, not willing to embarrass himself further unless she too gave up some ground.

The visual of their interaction in his mind took the form of a battlefield, and they were two commanding generals in opposition of each other. Weary but still vigilant, they pressed their troops to stay on their toes as they lined up cannons against one another. He wondered if Lily felt that kind of hostility in their situation as well, or if it were just his imagination.

 _It is probably just my imagination_ , he reasoned, _I suppose I could be grossly misinterpreting my sense of our entire conversation_. Which, the more he thought about it, the more likely this seemed. _I don't sense real anger, on her part, not any more. Certainly not enough to warrant this perceived battle. I think that I merely feel tension between us. Which, I suppose, is to be expected in such a case as ours, where we're first reconnoitering with each other after a long and painful estrangement._

He realized that she was speaking, however, and so he ceased his woolgathering for the moment to better focus upon what she was saying.

"I daresay your mission is going to be very dangerous indeed, if Remus can't handle it alone," Lily stated, her eyes focused on the dingy curtains that draped the windows.

Severus shrugged, attempting to make light of the situation. _No need to scare her_. "It may be, but it also may not. I'm more inclined to say the latter. He decided to call on my services more as an...extra precaution...than anything else."

"I see." She didn't sound thrilled at the prospect, and Severus wondered what she was thinking. Of course, being the forthright girl that she was, as soon as he asked her what the matter was, she quickly filled him in on her thoughts.

"Is there something you don't like about that?"

"I think it's rather rough on your part, Sev, to come back and make amends with me...then go around and go out on some terrible mission and get yourself killed," she complained shrilly, her voice hard and her glassy-green eyes harder. "We've scarcely had any time to catch up. Why would you be so insensitive?"

 _She's right--it is insensitive_ , he saw, but he had to justify himself. _I really don't want her to remember me by my faults if I never come back_.

So, he put up his hands in meek response. "In the case that I never come back, Lily, I...well, I didn't want to leave without having made things right between us again. If...if I could have come to you sooner, I would have."

 _Though that's a blatant lie,_ he acknowledged as his conscience niggled him. _The only reason I didn't come before now was because of my own stupid, infantile cowardice._ He continued to berate himself mentally, but Lily accepted his reply.

"I see what you mean," she said, looking abashed. "And...I realize I am being really ungrateful. Please don't...please don't think that I'm not happy to see you, Sev!"

 _Really?_ he wondered. He never would have come to that conclusion, after their warm embrace minutes ago. _If I die in Romania, at least I'll have that recent memory to console me_ , he thought happily.

"I know you are," he therefore replied, quiet.

"I am indeed! I'm just so glad that you did come now, Sev. If...if you hadn't come today, and if...if something happened to you in Romania...well, I'd never have forgiven myself."

Such an admission on her part was definitely surprising to Severus, who merely stared at her in wonder. _She cares that much? Because that's exactly how I'd respond._

She continued, "I'm actually very...impressed, Sev, and very...very jealous that you're the one who took the initiative. I'm...I admit I'm ashamed that I didn't try and reconcile with you before, come to think of it. I shouldn't have...given up on you like I did."

"No, Lily," Severus replied, horrified at the prospect that she might blame _herself_ for his own mistakes. "I was wholly and utterly in the wrong." Her eyes still denied him, which made him more vehement. "Why, in your place, I'd have done no less than you did! I treated you abominably. I was the foolish wretch who went down the wrong path. I made the enormous mistake of abandoning you."

Yet, while he said all this, he realized that a year ago, he would never have said such things, would not have thought them true. Indeed, for many years he had laid most or all of the blame for their estrangement on Lily's doorstep because he couldn't take it for himself--he was, he was certain, wholly in the right. He knew better now--the illusions of grandeur that came with being a proud Death Eater were gone, now. They left him to his own self-flagellation and self-loathing. Occassionally still, in his current state, he had blamed Lily, but only a little, for he could see that nearly all of the cause for their failure to keep good relations was due to his own stupidity, gullibility, and weakmindedness.

The only thing he ever blamed her for--even minutely--was for not accepting his apology at the portrait-hole that night when he threatened to sleep there. But, he gave her the benefit of the doubt for that, for it was late at night, and he was asking for a lot for her to forgive him so soon without any indication of true remorse.

Therefore, to see Lily blaming herself as much as he blamed himself made him sick. How dare she think so negatively of herself--she, the angel whom he loved and whom had brought him thence to salvation! The one he adored and worshiped more than any other God or deity! The beautiful, gentle, lovely woman to whom he had long ago pledged his heart, his body, and his soul! How _dare_ she assume the responsibility, the burden, that he had so justifiably taken upon his own shoulders? She was no basket-case scum of the earth like he! She was as close to divinity as he ever had gotten--how _dare_ she attempt to blemish herself with mortal thoughts and feelings? She was incapable of understanding the mortification, self-hatred, and pain he had heretofore assumed.

So, when she turned her eyes demurely down, sighing with lamentation, he shook his head soberly, longing to take her into his arms and let her spill all of her negative feelings into him. He could bear enough sadness and tragedy for two, he thought--his own and hers. No one else's, though.

"I don't think you would have abandoned _me_ , Severus," Lily replied softly, curling up on the couch with a pillow still in her arms. "I believe you would have done what you believed was right no matter the circumstances. And, in fact, I'm sure you did--somehow. Did you really think joining the Death Eaters was the right thing? And if you did, why did you think so?"

He had to admit, on that point, she was stunningly correct. His love for fairness, justice, and propriety were so strong that he knew he could never do the wrong thing except for the right reasons. That was the only way he could explain joining the Death Eaters--it had been, at the time, what he considered the 'right thing'.

"I...had false illusions about the Death Eaters, Lily," he said carefully, ashamed at his own lack of perception in his youth. "When I was younger, I thought they were purely political. It felt like just a group with a vision for reform. I liked the ideals they were throwing at us at the time--destroy the widespread influence of the government, assume responsibility for one's self and one's family and let everyone else do just the same, let the strongest, hardest-working, and most brilliant men have the best and most pleasant things. And I thought I was shoeing-in for a great place in this brilliant new republic that the Death Eaters advocated. Of course, at that point all I knew of the Death Eaters was politics and parties."

This was hard to admit, and his face was impassive, and he was purposefully hiding the shameful blush of his cheeks behind his hair.

"Later, my illusion was reformed when I was involved in the initiation. Muggle-killing became a topic of conversation, but it was talked about as something just and right, as part of the overall crusade for our own cause. It was never an end in itself, only a means to the ultimate end of changing our world for the better. It seemed logical, at the time, with the company I kept. I confess that I became almost immune to our ruthlessness--as so many others did. And I stayed, if only because I saw that backing out after becoming so involved would present great difficulty on my part, and also because I saw our cause as being the most important thing, that we were fighting for it nail and tooth, and I wanted to be a part of it. And...I was rather confident that we would succeed at reforming the government, actually."

He looked at Lily, thinking all the while, _The biggest reason, though, was because I thought that if I were loyal, and worked my way to the top, I could protect her once they started to target Muggle-borns , of course, it wasn't the wisest of choices, but it was essentially noble. Noble, but indubitably stupid._

"It wasn't until later in my career that I came to my senses and banished the pleasant illusions that I'd had. And I...I can't say much more about it, but it was a rude awakening."

She nodded, and he saw how tragically her pretty lips curled and pressed together. _If I could but touch them and straighten them out. They oughtn't be so abused_ , he told himself.

So thinking, he passed his own tongue over his dry lips, and critically appraised of them: _But these would disgrace hers if they so touched hers._ Indeed, his were chapped, rough with broken skin, and he was conscious of the unpleasantness of his features once again. _I'm not worth her love, I don't know why I'm so ungrateful to have any affection from her at all. I needn't worry about having more.  
_

"You speak of illusions, Sev," Lily was saying, and he forced himself from his inner mind to the present. "I've had illusions, too. And I've made mistakes, too--of my free will--based on them. Just like you."

"I think you're just being nice," Severus replied, a small smile tweaking his face.

"No, I'm serious." She sighed. "I was of the illusion that..." At this, she bit her lips again, resulting in Severus' feeling scandalized.

"What?" he prodded, trying to forget Lily's lips and how they turned so much redder when she so stimulated them.

She seemed embarrassed. "I was of the illusion that I was always right, for one thing. That's obviously different, now."

Her eyes ducked, and Severus got the sense that she wasn't telling him everything. _I'm sure there's more than that_ , he thought.

"I was gullible, too," she continued, "and I really didn't believe the worst of anybody, taking everything people said at face value. I...I saw that when I learned James hadn't stopped bullying you, even when he had promised to not do so anymore. I didn't learn until we were married--and believe me, he slept on the couch for two weeks."

Snape snickered, though he hated to be reminded of the fact that James Potter had somehow gotten what he had so coveted all of his life. Lily just raised an eyebrow in response.

 _She...she did forgive him, though...and comparatively quickly, too_ , Severus thought, and he wondered, _if I had kept after her for longer than a day for her forgiveness...if I'd been resolute for a month, two months, for years, and not fallen prey to my own self-pity and hatred and doubt...would I be the one married to her?_

Her stomach growled at that point, and she laughed bitterly.

"What a hostess I've been, snivelling all over you and not even offering you a cuppa. Come with me to the kitchen, and I'll heat some water."

"I'm all right," Snape said, "don't put yourself out for my account."

At once, he became more aware of the potential that they had at this moment to slip into formality. _Not today_ , he thought, though he wondered if they should, after all was said and done.

"I'm hungry, though," she said, and she strode gracefully into the other room. He followed.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	15. Chapter 15

Severus was still thinking about formality as he followed Lily into the kitchen.

 _Maybe it would be better if we maintained formality...then there'd be less chance that I'd lose her again,_ he thought miserably. _If she's not shackled to me emotionally, if I don't try and re-assume my position as best friend with her, then there's more likelihood that she'll keep me in her life won't have as much of a chance to become irreparably disgusted with me...like she did before...but then, there'd be less bonding us, so would she be more inclined to forget me due to ambivalence? If I became more than an acquaintance again, then would we again come to friction--would our story be one of continual friction and power struggles? Or would we be able to avoid what happened last time? If I became merely an acquaintance, would she lose interest in me?_

He watched her making tea, bustling about with an easy domesticity that he thought was glorious but also painful to watch. For, he was strongly reminded of how Roseanne Evans, Lily's mum, had done the same once long ago.

Mrs. Evans had always seemed to appreciate Severus, which attitude had been a pleasant change for him compared to the thoughtless obliviousness of his mother. She'd always been in the kitchen, smiling and pretty in her neat checkered apron and spotless shoes. And he remembered how she'd moved around the kitchen, like she was just a cog in the wheel of a clock, never stopping for an instant, always on her toes, keeping her hands busy. She knew where everything was, exactly what she needed at what precise moment. It was akin to how the proficient potioneer interacted with his laboratory--and Severus, in his studies to attain his Mastery, had indeed thought of Mrs. Evans occasionally, when he felt that everything was running smoothly.

In short, Mrs. Evans had been as comfortable in her kitchen as she had been in her own skin--whereas, in contrast, her daughters rarely frequented the kitchen, and, when they did, they rummaged around and made a mess and ended up getting in mild trouble for their efforts. Lily in particular had been the bane of her mother's neat kitchen, always scrambling in with Severus in search of fancies and biscuits. In those days, Lily had been an outsider to the kitchen--but she had owned her room, and there operated in a fashion vaguely reminiscent of Mrs. Evans' attitude with the kitchen.

But, now as he watched, he realized that he'd missed watching Lily become comfortable in the family kitchen. As she sauntered around, gathering tea things and a package of stale water-biscuits and cheese, he realized that he'd never seen Lily like this. She was confident, collected, and busy, never pausing while she proceeded in her hostess' chores.

 _I wish I could have seen her develop in such a way_ , _I wish I could have seen her learn to cook,_ he pined. _James Potter got that privilege. Now, it's too late for me...but I can still admire the fruits of it._

It never once occurred to him that, perhaps, her busy-ness was due to nervousness.

Soon, they were together at the kitchen table, tea-cups in hand, and Lily consuming crackers as fast as candy.

"I suppose you miss James?" he proposed, once she seemed full enough to resume conversation. He didn't really know what else to talk about, and he was genuinely curious, if only for selfish reasons.

She nodded, her eyes not meeting his.

"Very much," she replied. "I...I really am so sad for him. And they say that he'll never get better, either."

"I know," he said, quietly, trying his hardest to be sympathetic. "But I'm sure it's very hard for you, I'm sure."

She looked at him quizzically. "What do you mean by that?"

_What...oh. I guess one could interpret that wrongly. I wasn't thinking in terms of sexual relations, but maybe she is. I suppose being told that your husband will never be able to procreate with you ever again would be irksome to someone..._

"Having to see him like that," he said aloud, "I suppose you love him, and to know that he might never be the same..."

Her face contorted, and she looked down as though abashed. "Yes," she replied softly. "I do love him."

Severus was pained at the sensitive nature of her tone. _She does love him...what am I thinking, what am I doing here?_ he demanded of himself, feeling very nasty indeed. _As soon as he's lost it, I move in, like the greedy vulture I am._

At once, he decided to make sure he maintained his formal stance, and vigilantly.

But Lily seemed to have other ideas.

"So, Sev," she asked, looking up again, her eyes shining with what Severus clearly saw were unshed tears for James Potter, "do you have anyone?"

"Anyone?" he replied, a bit puzzled for a moment because he couldn't remember ever being asked this by a female. Men liked to joke, 'oi, Snape, you got yourself a bird yet?' and things like that, but he'd come to expect such things. Once, Narcissa Malfoy had inquired whether he had designs on her husband or herself, and he'd been so shocked that she'd retreated immediately with fifty apologies in one breath. But Severus didn't have many--make that _any_ \--female friends, and, as such, no female had ever asked him, in a conversational way, whether he had a lady friend or not. The context was so foreign to him that he stuttered for a moment, before quickly replying, "Oh, no. I don't have a girlfriend, if that's what you're asking."

She seemed alarmed at this, her eyes getting wide. "Are you...wait...do you...I mean...is it some sort of Death Eater thing to...you know...root for the other team?"

He choked on his tea, and set down his cup. "Absolutely not!" he exclaimed with vehemence. "No, I...I just don't have anyone, all right? I'm not the type to get romantically involved with people. I...I don't have time."

 _How lame_ , he criticized himself, _you do sound like a loser who wanks in the shower._

Lily shook her head sadly. "That's a pity," she said, "but I hope that that's really the case...that you don't have time."

"I really don't," he replied, trying to appear bright about it. "I mean, here I am, about to go on a mission to Romania, and I don't even know if I'm coming back. And this isn't the first kind of suicide mission I've been on, I mean-"

The words 'suicide mission' registered in his friend's brain very quickly, and her eyebrows shot up with concern. "What? Sev, you didn't say it was _that_ dangerous!"

"It isn't!" he protested, and he inwardly condemned himself: _Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_ "That's just how Black described it, all right?" he insisted. "It isn't really going to be that bad. We're just portkeying into the heart of Romania and searching for this wandmaker who may or may not be dead...and hope we don't run into Death Eaters who'll harm us, and recognize me, over there."

"All right," she said, calming down, "I believe you. But...in that case, do use a glamor, okay? I trust you'll be fine, especially with Remus, but I want you to still be careful."

He nodded. "There's a reason I'm not a Gryffindor, Lily," he said primly. "I don't rush into things unless I'm sure it'll turn out fine."

"I rather wish you were surer about this one, though," was her demure response. "However, I won't interfere. It's your place to suss out what's best for you and all. Now...let's talk about your love life, or lack thereof."

He scowled, crossing his arms and shifting back in his chair. _These are dangerous waters, Snape_ , he told himself, feeling inadequate to deal with the task before him. _I need to talk about my problems in the realm of love with the person who IS the problem. Bloody brilliant on my part._ "There's nothing to talk about. I've no interest in dealing with pre-martial relations...courting and such...and I'm sure no woman is going to think I'm of any worth to marry if I don't feel like doing things in the traditional way. I'm no romantic, Lily."

 _Hell, I wonder if it would have been better if she died_ , Snape thought, despite how sacrilegious of an idea this was to him. _Then at least I wouldn't have to deal with this conversation._ Even as he thought this, however, he acknowledged exactly how trivial it was. _She's a woman, and therefore a romantic. Therefore, I'll let her amuse herself. She should give up if I don't budge after a while._

"You don't need to be a romantic, Sev," she replied glibly, apparently not convinced by his excuse. "Being a romantic isn't always that great anyway." She paused, and her eyes flitted downwards for a moment. "James was a romantic."

Severus breathed in carefully, realizing anew how little he compared up to James.

"But you haven't been trying, have you?" Lily continued, drawing her hands around her teacup and swirling it gently. "I mean, how many dates have you been on this year?"

He shrugged, feeling more than uncomfortable. "None."

An incredulous eyebrow raised at this comment. "I don't believe that. I'd have thought the women'd all be pressing up on you, the way you've cleaned up."

 _She doesn't realize I don't dress like this normally_ , he thought, and was chagrined. _Maybe I should, if she thinks I look better than usual._

"Though," she continued, laying down her teacup, "I don't know why you don't cut your hair. You'd look so much better with it short, I think."

He was initially affronted at this idea, but then he wondered what it'd feel like if she drew her fingers through his hair...

"So lop it off," he replied with a shrug.

She was surprised. "Right now?"

"Sure." _Let her see how I look with it short. Maybe she'll like it. If she does, I'll keep it._

So, without another word, she went to the kitchen drawer and withdrew a pair of shiny scissors. Soon, she was laying a tea towel on his shoulders and untying the carefully-crafted ponytail.

"Are you certain you want to do this?" she asked quietly.

He nodded.

And she made him get up, go to the sink, and run his head under warm water until he was soaked. And then she sat him down again, rubbed him vigorously with a bath towel, combed his hair gently, and snipped.

It was mortifying for him to discover that he was very, _very_ ticklish along the scalp, and it took all his strength not to shiver with delight every time her nails went a little too close.

Soon, however--just in about a half hour--she had completed the task to her satisfaction, and she took him to look in the bathroom mirror.

"What do you think?" she asked, trying to be enthused.

He looked hideous, as he knew he would. Having long hair helped increase what little aesthetic appeal he had, distracting the eye from his enormous nose, and, without the dark frame of hair, his face seemed longer, paler, and generally too small for the cancerous monstrosity.

"I...appreciate the attempt," he said softly, really not wanting to hurt her feelings after expending so much energy on his behalf. "But...I don't think it'll serve in the long run."

She sighed. "I'm sorry, I guess I don't have a knack for hairstyling," she confessed sadly. "Tuney does. My mum did." She managed to smile a bit, though, as she led him back into the kitchen. "At least you're honest, not trying to tell me how wonderful it is and running around in the fashion of a martyr for months until it grows out again. James would do that."

Sadly, she forced him to sit down again, and she gently placed her wand in his hair to grow it out again. It was quickly as long as when she had started, albeit sans a few split ends.

Sitting down with their now-cold tea, Severus and Lily found each others' eyes, and Severus made an attempt to smile.

"Did you hear what happened to my mum and dad?" Lily said, swirling her tea again. Severus leaned forward and tapped her cup again, so it was warm once more. The dreamy steam rose, curling around Lily's gentle face, and he couldn't help but wish to make permanent the intimate domesticity afforded by their current situation. _Screw formality. What a stupid idea. I need to be close to her. I almost think she might need me to be close to her, too. But I can't get my hopes up._

"No," he replied carefully. "I rather inferred that...since you're here and they're not...something happened to them."

She nodded. "Automobile accident. Leaving my sister's wedding. My mum wasn't keeping a close watch on my dad, and he took in rather more champagne than he cared to admit. She left the reception saying she'd drive...but when the accident occurred, my dad was behind the wheel. They'd driven clean off the road and into a ravine, where the car caught on fire. Death was said to be instantaneous. Tuney and I aren't speaking anymore because of it--she blames me, even though it was her wedding, because James and I apparated home instead of driving with them."

He could understand that. Petunia Evans was never one to take any blame for herself, or accept that blame couldn't be attributed to someone who might suffer for it.

"That's...I'm very sorry," he said softly, realizing that Petunia was also blaming James--the man who held Lily's heart--and that in turn must hurt Lily.

Lily shrugged. "It's the way life goes, I'm afraid."

She seemed like she was going to start saying something else, but a high-pitched cry from a back room roused her.

"Oh dear, that'll be Harry," she realized, "I...I'll be just a moment."

She rushed out of the room, bringing back a squirming bundle.

"He's just fourteen months, so he's really just a little bitty baby, still. Yes you are! Yes you are!" she cooed, but little Harry still cried in her arms.

"Oh, stop fussing, honey, stop fussing. Say hello to Uncle Sevvy! Say 'hi Uncle Sevvy!'"

"Wahhhhh!"

Despite the cold reception he received, 'Uncle Sevvy' was touched to the core by the fact that he was _indeed_ considered an 'Uncle'. Shyly letting his hair sweep over his face, Severus tried to hide the immense smile that wouldn't go away.

Lily wasn't fooled.

"Ooh, look Harry, Uncle Sevvy likes you! Yes he does! Do you want to hold him a minute?" she asked, dropping the baby-talk falsetto for this last question.

Severus nodded, and gently extended his arms to accept the little boy, who took a brief quiet survey of his new relation and continued to squall.

"I'm sorry," Lily said, accepting the baby back quickly. "He's been taking a nap, and now he wants his dinner. I..." She paused, took a breath, adjusted the baby so that he was on her shoulder, and patted him softly. "I need to nurse him, but afterwards I'm going to make some adult dinner. Would you...I mean, do you have anything urgent to go do?"

_Just some potions for the Dark Lord, Lily...but those can wait until tomorrow._

"If you'd like me to stay for dinner, I'd be honored," he replied, his heart full of joy.

"Good, I'm glad," she replied, thumping Harry vigorously in an attempt to get a burp out of the little tyke, "I hope I'm not keeping you for too long or anything. But you see...well, I...I just feel so very much alone right now. I tried calling Tuney yesterday, but when she picked up and heard it was me...she slammed the phone down. And with James being...ill...and my parents not around anymore...all I really have is Remus and Sirius, and I really don't know how to act around them. And--oh!"

Harry let out an enormous burp, and was quiet.

"Well, I still have to feed him. Won't take too long, just a half hour. You can amuse yourself in the living room...the telly remote is somewhere in the cushions of the couch if that suits you. There's books, of course."

He nodded. "Of course, don't put yourself to any trouble. Go take care of your child."

She smiled. "Thanks, Sev."

And, so, she was temporarily gone.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	16. Chapter 16

Severus seated himself gingerly on the couch in the living room, listening intently as the baby's muffled cries in the bedroom suddenly ceased. In their stead, he heard the faintest melody of a song--not well sung, in any respect, but intrinsically maternal, soothing, and pleasant to the ear. He only heard a snippet or two.

_I looked at the bird, and saw he was wise._

_'Oh, Mr. Bluebird, why do you fly?'  
_

_'I fly', said the bird, as he flew so high_

_'To see if my color matches the sky.'_ (1)

With that, he was seized with melancholy, and he leaned back into the couch, saddened.

 _She sings to her little boy. James Potter's spawn. Did my mother ever sing to me?_ He wondered about that, but couldn't come up with a concrete answer. Eileen Prince, to his recollection, was not the singing sort. _And even if she were...my mother was so aloof by the time I was seven, I couldn't say if she ever sang to me or not._

It made him sad, but what could he do? _At least Potter is out of the picture, so little Harry won't grow up with a bully of a dad like I did._ Such a musing made him wonder exactly how much Eileen had resembled Lily at one point. _I wonder if my dad, though he **was**_ _scum, ever loved my mum? Or did she ever have two men who loved her--one wholly and loyally, the other passionately but temporarily? Obviously if that were the case, she chose the worse one, the passionate and temporary rather than the whole and loyal one. In the case that Tobias ever left her life, like James has left Lily's, would she have fallen upon the other? Considering the idea that she wasn't broken by the time he was done with her?_

He realized that it wasn't the first time he'd compared James Potter with his father. Both had treated him rudely and callously, and physically abused him repeatedly over the course of their relationships--relationships of a situational kind, which he couldn't escape. Severus had no place at Hogwarts where he was free, nor at home either. His only salvation came in the form of Lily--James Potter wouldn't do anything to make 'Evans' think lesser of him, due to his numskull declarations of love hither and thither, and Tobias Snape wouldn't dare hurt his son in front of the pretty little middle-class girl over whom he had no power. Was it any wonder that he loved her, was it any wonder that he felt her presence was beatific?

Safety reigned in his soul when he was near her, he acknowledged as he curled up on her couch and hugged a pillow like she'd been doing earlier. Even being in the same house from her, a simple call away, hearing the thump of her mother's old rocking-chair and the occasional muted hums of her voice--all this supplied him with tranquility and peace that he had lacked for years. And, it made him apathetic. His nerves, usually full of sharp adrenaline and wired with restless energy, had calmed and were no longer turbulent. He felt his muscles ache as they relaxed, fully and completely, for the first time in ages. Rolling his shoulders back, his spine cracked in a satisfying way, and he noted his intense desire for slumber.

Even as he relaxed, though, he could not deny his other emotions. Imagining Lily in the other room, the baby in her arms, her shirt unbuttoned just enough to nurse and her eyes turned lovingly upon her little boy--this made Severus want to weep with jealousy. _What did James Potter have that I don't? Charisma? Gallantry? A pleasant smile? Perhaps all of these. But why does that mean he gets her?_

Severus, at this moment, wanted nothing more than to go into the other room, as a husband might, and sit next to Lily as she fed their child. Notably, not Harry, who was James' pride, but THEIR child...some nameless, faceless cherub yet inconceivable. Perhaps he would read aloud from a book to them both, to help the baby get interested in language and learning from an early age. Maybe he'd just hold her hand, listening while she hummed to the child. He wasn't particular, not at all.

He was so depressed by this train of thought that he did not notice Lily come into the room, a wakeful baby on her hip and a smile on her face. Concern spread over it, however, as she regarded Severus, with his body curled up and his head bent.

"You all right?"

Hurriedly, he shook himself out, straightening up, embarrassed at having been caught in his vulnerability. "Of course, yes," he replied stiffly, "just...dozing. I'm a trifle tired."

She nodded in response. "Okay. I'm going to start dinner now. It's nothing much, just a meat pie from the store that I'll pop in the oven. And I guess some greens, I suppose. Unless you're not partial to them."

"I'm not," he replied, though this was mostly because he wasn't very auspicious about the quality of the said greens. Lily hated anything with chlorophyll--he remembered many family dinners in their youth when Lily had to be coerced and bribed to eat her vegetables--and likely anything she had would be by accident, and therefore probably not good. He was indifferent to vegetables himself, as he was to almost all food.

"Brilliant." With that, she jostled Harry to her other hip, and sashayed into the kitchen. Severus waited a minute before following.

"You should take a nap, if you're tired," Lily said, putting Harry into a high chair and going to the fridge.

"I'm really not..." Severus replied, taking comfort in her concern over his welfare, even if it was just a bit of sleep over which they were bickering.

"Then-" Lily began, but she grimaced as she removed the pie from the fridge. "-Eurgh! That's just bloody nasty."

Ever drawn to the macabre, Severus glanced at the mess in the dish. The pie had sprouted mold as fine-haired and ashen as Dumbledore's beard.

"That's just nasty," said Lily again, tossing the entire tin into the trash bucket under the sink. "I suppose that's why it was on the half-off rack, eh? No matter, though. Let's just go get pie and chips down the street."

And so it was that Severus and Lily (who had changed into decent going-out clothes) soon were walking down the sidewalk, the baby in a plastic red stroller and sucking his thumb.

 _Don't we make a parental picture_? Severus thought with amusement, listening with half an ear to Lily's baby-talk to Harry and her intermittent comments of 'remember this?' and 'remember that?' He did remember--almost nothing she mentioned, actually, but he felt like he did. He just remembered different things, he supposed.

In an attempt at gallantry, when Lily half-stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk, Severus gave her his arm. He didn't give it up until they got to the shop, and then he was reluctant.

They returned to Lily's home with their food, and Lily plumped little Harry into his playpen with a fistful of chips upon which to gnaw his baby teeth. She also fished in the couch for her remote, only to discover that Severus had already found it and put it on the coffee table. Then she turned on the telly to the news and muted it. They settled on the couch, their feet propped up on the aforementioned coffee table, eating their pies and chips.

 _Such mundane things_ , _we're doing,_ Severus thought. _Eating. Walking. Sitting. Living. But I find that they're all made the more sweet and extraordinary by her being there._

Lily kicked off her shoes, the projected missiles narrowly missing the telly antenna. "What a nice, lazy evening," she said with a sigh, folding herself on the couch and heartily attacking her food. Severus approached his own with less gusto, since he found his at once too dry and too greasy. With a wave of his wand, two wineglasses gently flew from the kitchen, followed by a bottle of red wine.

"Hey!" Lily exclaimed in delight. "Where'd you find that? I couldn't find anything in mum's cupboard but cooking sherry."

Serving the wine with a delicacy purloined from Lucius Malfoy, Severus smirked. "Your dad had a little stash that he showed off to me, on a hidden shelf under the kitchen sink. It was something to keep 'between us men', or so he said." With that, Severus paused carefully. "Is it...bad to make light of the dead like this?"

Not looking at him, Lily shrugged. "They've been gone a while. I'm used to it. But you know," she went on sadly, "I'm rather glad that I can talk to someone about how they're dead. Otherwise, it's a little hard to remember, sometimes. And being here doesn't help. I half expect mum to walk in at any moment asking if I know where such and such is, or dad to demand that we change the channel."

He nodded slowly. "I know what that's like." _But I'd hate to admit of being scared of ghosts to anyone but Lily. Darling, beautiful Lily!_

And he looked at her, his heart full of adoration despite the feeling of vulnerability that bothered him. She wasn't paying attention to him, however, her eyes watching the image of the newscaster who talked earnestly into the microphone.

"Funny," she said after a moment, swirling her wine thoughtfully, "how much alone in the world we both are. Both our parents dead, no romantic entanglements, essentially free in the world. You're going off to Romania and to freedom."

"Freedom?" Severus asked, surprised at the implication that she might understand his situation better than she let on to him. "From what, would you say?"

"Everything. All obligations. All the structures and formalities of civilization. You're just...going off into the world, on an adventure, without need for anyone or anybody. Oh, I wish I could go with you."

 _Go with me?_ A light of hope and joy sprung into Severus heart, but as he glanced over at the baby in the playpen, he grimaced. "No, Lily, it'd be far too dangerous. Put the idea right out of your head, right now. It'd be impossible with the child. Besides," he added ruefully, "you ought to stay for your husband's sake. What if he miraculously recovers and finds you have abandoned him in his time of need?"

"Harumph! The healers are darn sure he's never going to get better," Lily said, her voice getting tighter, "and they say it's a wonder he's not dead. He'd be better off dead, in their opinion. He isn't going to recover. He's...he's nothing to me, now. Just another tie, just another weight, just another burden to bear. I'm young. I shouldn't have to deal with him. I...I feel guilty for saying all this, Sev, but I just _don't care_ about him anymore."

"I doubt that," Severus said quietly, though he felt his innards squirming in pure delight. "You were wearing his pyjamas when I came to the door."

"I took his traveling-bag by accident, and I didn't want to wear my mum's clothes. These are his, too, what I'm wearing now, but you can't tell 'cuz I adjusted them."

Throwing a critical eye over her jeans and shirt, over which she wore another (unbuttoned) collared shirt, Severus realized that, indeed, they were Potter's style, though they fit Lily's curvaceous figure impeccably.

"No, I couldn't tell before," admitted Severus. "But surely," he continued, after a sip of his wine, "you _must_ care for him to some degree. He's your husband, to death."

"Oh, God, you're right," Lily replied, ducking her head down as if to hide tears. "But I just...there's an absence of feeling when I think of him. I've cried my eyes out, and now I'm just numb. I'm...I'm wanting to do anything to stop thinking about him and the horrible things I had to...see..."

She began to cry again, softly, but with more evident pain than Severus had ever seen from her. And he couldn't bear to see it and not do something about it. Putting down his glass, he scooched over to her side of the couch and drew his arms tenderly around her.

At his touch, she began to sob louder, her gentle body shaking and convulsing with her distress.

"Shhh. Shhh. It's all right, Lily, it's all right," he whispered, tightening his hold on her and rocking her slightly. Her warmth pressed against him, and he felt within him the stirring of paternal maturity springing forth.

 _She's so sad. I can't go out of the country and leave her in this fragile emotional state,_ he thought. _She's so sad, so unhappy, and I'm just abandoning her. I should take her and the boy along with us. She's strong enough, she could manage. And Lupin and I would protect her--though heaven knows that Lupin would be a danger himself on the wrong night of the month. We'd be all right._

But then rationality stabbed him. _But what am I thinking! Taking a beautiful woman and her little boy on a dangerous mission from which we might never come back!_

Then his consciousness argued: _But at least we'd be dead together._

Feeling her so close to him, he settled his own mind on the matter by realizing that he never, ever wanted to let go of her.

_Now that we've found each other again, I couldn't bear to lose her._

This thought was immediately echoed by the wail of Harry Potter in his playpen.

"Oh, Harry," cried Lily, twisting herself out of Severus' arms--gently, but firmly--and rushing to her babe. "It's all right, sweetheart," she cooed between her own tears, "Mummy's just sad, there's no need for you to be sad too--oh, poor little boy!"

She sank back onto the couch, almost on top of Severus, cradling her child and continuing to sob. Thus returned, Severus again drew his arms around her, feeling incredibly blue himself, but also more strong and capable than usual.

 _I can protect them both_ , he vowed, _even if she never loves me like I love her, she needs me--and I need to be near her._

They sat there for a long time, Severus comforting his beloved and his beloved comforting her child.

When Lily stopped crying, it was slowly, like a machine's gears dying down after a long day of churning. So, when Severus realized both she and the boy were asleep, he didn't know what to think.

 _I could sleep here with them and stay_ , he thought, _or I could wake Lily and leave._

The latter option was far less appealing, but he realized that he'd never get the work done that he needed to do before going to Romania if he stayed. So, with gentle fingers, he took her hand and patted it. She woke up immediately.

"I have to go," he said, solemn and dignified. "It's almost ten. I've got work to do tomorrow. But..." He paused, not sure if he really was justified in asking her to come to Romania with him.

"But what?" she asked immediately, "When will I be able to see you again?"

He didn't hang his head, forcing the inclination away from him with detestation. "You can come over tomorrow," he said, "and...we can talk."

"When tomorrow?" she asked promptly.

"Anytime. You're always welcome."

A pretty smile--nay, was it almost coquettish?--graced her face. "You know, Sev, I'm beginning to wonder where the old you went. I'm half inclined to think you're someone else, you know. You've been just so sweet all day. What'd you do with your bitter sarcastic streak?"

He shrugged, not sure how to respond. "I...there's a time and a place for everything, Lily."

"Okay."

It struck him how awkward he suddenly felt, being called out so blatantly on his personality shift. _She always manages to make me tongue-tied, for better or for worse._

"I'll...see you tomorrow, then," he said, standing.

"Yes indeed," she replied. "Are you making potions tomorrow? Can I help at all? I've so missed working with potions; James never let me make my own anything, not even tea!"

"Kept you in a gilded cage?" Severus asked, a touch of a smirk on his lips.

"So I always felt. Are you doing potions, though?"

"Yes." _I don't want to say for what._

"Okay...I'll be around in the morning. Whenever I've woken up."

He nodded in a half-bow.

"Whatever's convenient." With that, he went to the door. "Bye," he said, feeling like a nervous schoolboy, for which he berated himself.

"Bye," she replied. The smile on her face was so peaceful and pleasant that he couldn't help but feel overjoyed to see it.

He hummed as he walked all the way home.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

(1) This song is based off a song that my grandma used to sing for me when I was little. I don't remember it all, but I made up an extended version. Take a look at my livejournal, y'all! That's where the extended version is. LJ: **sweetplumeria22**


	17. Chapter 17

Severus awoke in the early morn, as was his wont, with the perfect intentions of sticking to a rigid schedule. He composed it in his head while he was dressing. There were four potions he had to complete that day, one of which would be a double-batch, and then he'd have satisfied his quota for the month, so the Dark Lord wouldn't press after him for at least a few weeks--after which nobody (in that social sector) would be able to figure out where he'd gone, and what trail there could be would have been made more hazy by time. Dumbledore--whose motives Severus wasn't completely sure about still--was a threat too, but he'd not catch on too fast unless he called Severus before the sixth of November and the younger wizard didn't respond.

In any case, Severus was pretty certain that he was going to be okay, as long as he got his work done now. _Fortunately_ , he felt with a warm heart, _I won't be completely alone when it comes to all this. Lily's coming over, and she's going to help me make these potions. And maybe she'll even come with to Romania._

He'd been fantasizing all night about what it would be like, him and Lily and Remus traveling together like a trio of gypsies or vagabonds. He envisioned them walking the Romanian countryside, perhaps with a ramshackle mule and cart so that Lily wouldn't need to tire her feet carrying the boy. _And oh, James Potter would turn at knowing his son might be raised so far from the luxurious life of a European aristocrat!_

It wouldn't be a glamorous life at all, but it would be simple--so simple, so inconsequential, so down-to-earth and free. Of course, he did idealize it a little, glossing over the inconveniences of shitting in bushes, being hungry, and going without a shower for weeks on end. But, for the most part, he felt that he'd enjoy that kind of wandering lifestyle. _It would afford a kind of peace and tranquility unavailable in our current lifestyles here in England._

Another thing he thought about was Remus Lupin, however, and the liability he presented.

 _I've nothing against him save the fact that he's a bloody werewolf and a coward_ , he thought, _so it wouldn't be justifiable--except from a safety standpoint--to abandon him. I don't think he'd be able to survive this mission alone; he's not strong enough physically or personality-wise, and Dumbledore was a fool to think of sending him unaided. However, I don't want his blood on my hands...I would feel culpable if he died because I wasn't there to at least attempt to defend him, if I just left him while he was sleeping. One man's stupidity isn't worth another man's life._

 _Though_ , he acquiesced _, Lupin does pledge his ultimate allegiance to Dumbledore. Or, at least, what Dumbledore stands for. He doesn't trust Dumbledore blindly, as I also don't, but he's allied with him. As...as, I suppose, I am. Oh, hang it, we're really in the same boat, except for the fact that I'm on the road to being accused for attempted murder. On that note_ , he wondered, _what if Dumbledore's got a similar plan for Lupin? Maybe...maybe Dumbledore's not as stupid as we assume. Maybe he never intended for Lupin to survive this mission.  
_

 _But that'd be idiotic,_ he reasoned, _why would he kill off perfectly good men, who are on his side?_

He didn't have a reason for that, but he realized suddenly that there was a pattern. _It seems that Dumbledore's got plans to get rid of me. It's possible that Dumbledore's got plans to get rid of Lupin. I'd be surprised if he were at the root of Pettigrew's demise, but he's clearly gotten rid of. And Potter...well, Lupin has his suspicions that Dumbledore's somehow at the root of his elimination._

_Of the Marauders, that leaves Sirius Black. And Lily, by extension._

He was already preparing his workstation, airing the lab and carefully filtering the room's air of pathogens and dust that could contaminate his potions, some of which were extremely volatile until cured. The thought that Lily could still be in danger, from Dumbledore no less, was terrifying.

At once, he began to panic.

 _Should I go to her house?_ he wondered. _How long should I wait before going out to look for her? If Lupin's her secret-keeper, who did he entrust the secret to besides me? If he doesn't trust Dumbledore, then I presume he wouldn't give the location away to him, would he?_

In a rush, he rushed out of the lab, peeling off the gloving charm (1) from himself as he ascended the stairs to the main floor.

Seconds after he threw a bunch of Floo powder into the fire and yelled the werewolf's name, Lupin's head cropped up out of the fire.

"Severus! What's wrong?"

Apparently, the werewolf was perceptive enough to realize that it was not a social call, and Severus gave him mental kudos.

"Lupin, did you give Dumbledore Lily's current location?"

The werewolf's face was tired and haggard, but he shook his head in the affirmative.

"I couldn't get away from that. I tried to, but I couldn't resist too much or he'd realize that I'm not wholly his man through-and-through. So yes, he does have the location."

Severus, in his anxiety, lowered his eyes and furrowed his brow. "That's not good, Lupin."

"No, it isn't, and I do know it," replied the other. "However, I've been keeping close tabs on her, never fear. You spent a long time there last night, Severus."

Feeling his cheeks redden at the idea that the werewolf was spying on them, Snape snarled, "And what business is it of yours?"

"I'm only interested in protecting Lily," Lupin replied staunchly, "And don't worry. Whatever you were doing with her, I don't have any intimate knowledge."

"She was crying." Severus was affronted that Lupin might think Lily would cheat on her husband so soon after his accident. _She's got more honor than that. I know she loves him, as much as she said she didn't last night. She loves him, and she's mourning him. And besides, if she ever were to fall prey to her more base urges, it wouldn't be with me. She doesn't care for me in that way, I know that. I'm not good enough for her._

"Oh." Lupin nodded, accepting the response at its face value. "That makes sense. You see...hey, do you want to see what surveillance I've got on her?"

"I would," Snape replied coldly, still pained at Lupin's lack of faith in Lily's loyalty.

"Lemme come over."

So, Severus stepped aside, and Lupin entered via the Floo. He was clutching a piece of parchment.

"We...oh, poor James would kill me for telling you this!...we made this map, at Hogwarts, that showed every room and every person inside the castle. It was designed with the intent for coming up with the best schemes and pranks. But it seemed to me like the charms and such could be useful for other, more practical things than silly jokes. So, since I was the one who did most of the research for the old 'Marauder's Map', I found it very easy to do the same thing for Lily's house and the surrounding buildings."

With that, Remus laid out a piece of parchment that was perhaps one foot long on each side, with blueprint-esque drawings and tiny footprints moving like ants all over it.

 _If they had such a thing of Hogwarts_ , Severus thought, marveling over the artifact, _no wonder they always managed to find me when I least wanted them around._

Lily's house was the focal point of the parchment, and Lupin pointed out her feet moving in her bedroom, probably as she was getting dressed.

"As I said, I didn't get any intimate details of what you were doing, and honestly, I'm not interested," Lupin said pleasantly, "but I did see that you were there, and that you left for a little while with her and Harry, and then came back. Personally, I'm glad that you were there with her. I got to take a bit of shut-eye in the duration."

Severus looked at his new ally blankly. "Are you not sleeping for watching her?"

"Oh, well, once she goes to bed and stays there, I put an alarm on the map so that it will wake me up if she moves out of the bedroom, or if someone besides Harry enters. But she's a major fan of bedtime snacks and watching the telly at three in the morning, so very often she wakes me up, too."

Feeling a mite jealous at this kind of intimate knowledge of Lily's whereabouts, but also rather creeped-out at the fact that someone could conceivably keep such a close eye on someone, Severus took the middle ground and feigned neutrality.

"I see," he replied carefully. "So, you're keeping a close watch on her. Pray, tell me, why don't you simply move her from the location? That way Dumbledore wouldn't be able to gain access to her."

"Well, I considered that, Severus," Lupin replied gently, "but, until now, I didn't have much of an idea where. Grimmauld Place is out, since Dumbledore has allocated it to be the headquarters of the Order, as you might know. My own home is woefully incompetent for the task--I live in an apartment in a rather unsavory part of town, nowhere I'd want my friend and her son to live. But, Severus..." He looked around complacently. "I'd say, if you're up for it, why don't you let her live here?"

Severus snorted. "It's not much better than her parents' place, is it?"

"Aye, but that's the thing, Severus--being so close makes it less suspect. Dumbledore would EXPECT for us to take her far away, to London or elsewhere. Never to your home, especially based on the terms you and Lily have had for the past number of years."

The dark wizard mulled over this. "True. While, I suppose, it's not perfect, the situation here is adequate."

"Excellent," Lupin said, a smile coming to his face, "then let's get her over here. Quietly, though, without calling notice to it."

"Obviously, I know _nothing_ of discretion, Lupin," Severus replied, looking meaningfully into the other's eyes. _He forgets: I could have leaked the secret of his lycanthropy to everyone in our time at Hogwarts, but I kept quiet except in regards to Lily._ "Besides," he continued, "Lily's coming over this morning." With that said, he glanced at the parchment. "She's leaving the house now, it seems, with the child in tow."

Lupin nodded. "I'll go greet her, shall I, and accompany her over here? I judge from your outfit that you're in the process of potions-making?"

"Almost," Severus replied. "That's what she's coming over for, actually."

"Right," Lupin answered. "Then I'll be off. Back in a few minutes."

And so, the werewolf was gone, leaving Severus to tidy up a few things before his lady arrived.


	18. Chapter 18

**NOTE: I made a huge, huge mistake. Severus is supposed to have been employed by Dumbledore in September 1981**. That was his first year at Hogwarts. And that's really official. I just didn't look it up or realize it or...something. So blame me, I'm stupid.

I **was** trying so hard to stick to canon and just make that ONE eensy weensy change on Voldemort's part. But I totally screwed up. Oh well. Bear with me, okay?

**Chapter Sixteen  
**

Severus paced as he waited, feeling rivers of doubt flood him despite his logic.

 _I should have been the one to go and get her_ , he remonstrated angrily. He was in the process of tidying his already-immaculate lab, and his fingers scraped against the cold stone tabletop while he sought in vain for dust.

 _Lupin's a weakling. He couldn't do anything to protect her, even if he tried._ This brought Severus to feel even more acutely the fact that he didn't quite trust Lupin still, despite their feelings of camaraderie earlier. _I don't know if he_ would _try, anyhow._

So, it was with great relief that Severus opened his door for the delightful trio. Though they were five minutes later than he had predicted, Harry was gurgly and smiling. The baby's mother was making an effort at cheerfulness, but Lily seemed a trifle worried. Lupin maintained his usual calm.

"Hullo, Severus."

She embraced him in a brief, albeit tender hug, and he felt his stomach turn over as her perfume wafted in her wake. _It's undoubtedly luscious_ , he thought wickedly, reprimanding himself immediately. Still, he was surprised at her touch--she'd never been much for such niceties as hugs, and it surprised him that she'd taken up the new habit now. _What is the reason? Did Potter train her that way? Or is it because she doesn't know what else to do or say?_

His doubts were rampant, but he shook them away with flinty determination.

"Uncle Sevvy!" Harry declared triumphantly, latching onto Severus' neck and extricating himself from his mother's arms. Severus soon was supporting the child by its diapered rump, and absently he patted it.

"Let's sit," he announced, his voice curt, and the four of them did so. Lily and Remus chose the creaky divan while Severus sat opposite them, still with Harry in his reluctant arms.

"So, Severus, Remus told me that you're going to be going with him to Romania," Lily began, trying to keep uplifted. "I...I just am wondering if me living in your house would be an invasion of your privacy or anything. Remus said you agreed to it, but somehow..."

She left out _'...I found it hard to believe,',_ but the sting was nonetheless there, and Severus picked up on it with shame.

"I did agree to the proposition," he acknowledged, a touch of bitterness in his voice, "and therefore the issue rests not in my hands but in yours. Will you agree to take such precautions as Remus and I arrange for you?"

"Of course," she replied, her green eyes widening. "Of course, but I'd like to be sure to add some of my own precautions as well."

"A few little charms would behoove our arrangements," conceded Remus pleasantly. "You don't even need to confide in us as to what they are, if you're interested in the best security."

"Of course," Lily said again, crossing her arms in a delicate fashion. "I've had a few in mind, one or two of which I already use on Harry to keep him safe when I go to bed. It would be a simple matter to apply them in a larger shield over the whole house."

"Good," asserted Lupin, "then I suppose we shall conduct the maneuvers...when?"

"I'd prefer for her to be settled in before we leave, Lupin," Severus said, keeping a biting formality with the werewolf, this being in accordance with his current judgment.

"Agreed, of course," Remus answered, "and indeed, we should definitely prepare her for the event of..." At this, however, he seemed to consciously bite his tongue.

"In the event of what?" Severus asked pointedly, though at once his mind had flooded with horrible images. Harry Potter dying, painfully and horribly. His house in disarray, a victim to the unknown forces that had decimated her own living-room. Lily stretched across the floor, surrounded by broken glass, bleeding through deep gashes in her arms and legs...

This he imagined in the duration of the silence that settled between them. It was soft and heavy, and so oppressive that even Harry began to whimper.

"Back to mummy," whispered Severus softly, rising and returning the child to Lily's open arms. Harry quieted, but his large green eyes focused on Severus with apparent great expectations. The man couldn't bear to look longer at the eyes of Lily in the facial structure of a Potter, so he turned away and resumed his seat.

"You know," Lily said as she rocked her little boy, "I...I know that you're both trying to do the best for me, of course. I'm not...trying to question your judgment at all, Severus, or yours, Remus, but...I must say, I don't think I'll feel very safe while I'm alone here. How long will you two be gone? I don't know. You don't know either, do you?"

Both men, with reluctance, shook their heads in dissent.

"I have no foreknowledge of what date we might be back," Severus replied, feeling foolish to admit it. _Though, I don't know if I exactly intend to_...

"I should predict a month or so, for myself," Lupin stated with nonchalance, weaving his fingers together absentmindedly.

 _What a chum_ , Severus mused, not sure if he should be bitter or pleased, _he said 'for myself', therefore exonerating me._

But Lily picked up on it, and her eyes hardened.

"Is there a reason that Severus wouldn't be coming back with you, Remus?"

"Oh, no, not at all," Lupin said, his eyes latching onto a stray quill that lay on the coffee table. "It's just that such a mission is so unpredictable. I'm certain that Severus thinks that it'll take rather longer than I do."

"Indeed," Snape agreed. "Lupin's estimate, based on what we need to do, is rather...optimistic. I'd suppose that we'll be gone two months at least."

His eyes looked to hers, feeling for her emotions. He'd never go so far as to use legilimency on her just to learn how she would interpret the information, but he didn't need to just to get an idea of her impression. He had known her for so long that there was no need to use artificial means.

At least, that's what he thought as he gazed at her.

A split second passed, and he realized that it was foolish of him to presume intimacy with her. She had been touched by James Potter--in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally--she was now different because of her husband's influence upon her. This meant that Severus had to relearn her. He regretted anew having been so long separated from her. It was like he had been estranged from the field of Potions for ten years and had to digest the new, radical developments of the decade; Lily was the same, but also changed, and he needed to explore the newer parts and find out where they deviated from the old.

It wasn't a task for which he was eager--he would have preferred her to be the same old Lily, the one that he'd known as a little boy and that he'd worshiped in his mind all these five years--but he was willing.

_The willingness is what counts, after all. At least, that's what she'd say. She never did understand how the ends could justify the means._

Of course, all this processed within the space of ten seconds, during which time Lily composed a careful response to the news.

"Two months?" she asked, her voice terse. "Two months? That's an awful long time."

 _She doesn't want us to be gone that long. She feels like she needs us! And me!_ Severus thought, at first inclined to be jubilant, but as he regarded his beloved, he also realized that the old Lily wouldn't have been so needy. _She valued her independence and never shirked from hardship, work, or responsibility. James Potter has spoiled her. Alas._

"It is a long time," he replied carefully, letting her mind take its own path. He did not intend to lead her to any conclusion; he needed to gauge what sort of compromise...if any...she might suggest, if only to evaluate how much James Potter's character had ravished and depleted her own.

"I...and I and Harry would be obliged to just...stay here? For all that time?"

"That's an accurate assessment," Lupin stated mildly.

She appeared very put-out at this. "But I...I can't do that. I mean..." Her chest rose and fell, accentuating her deep sigh, and she shifted her baby from one arm to the other. "James and I...we were fairly going crazy, being shut up at Godric's Hollow. It's not easy just sitting there and waiting...waiting for something to happen, you know?"

A sneer rose on Severus' face as Lily and the werewolf shared a single intense gaze of understanding between them. "I understand," Severus said coldly, and the connection broke between the other two. This left Lily's eyes free to focus on her once-best-friend, and she smiled at him.

"I'm sure you do," she said, though he could feel a trace of Potter-esque mocking--or was he imagining it?--in her tone. "But nonetheless...I'm not very thrilled at being relegated to the back lines. You two are going out, risking your lives for the war, and what do I get to do?" Her nose wrinkled, and Severus felt a wave of relief as he remembered this to be her familiar sign of righteous indignation. "Sit on my arse, just like I've been doing for months."

"It's for the best," Lupin addressed her, but his comment fell short of placating her.

"What an excuse!" she chirped. With that, she gave a determined toss of her glorious hair. "I accepted that in August, Remus, and look where it's got us! James is as good as dead because it was 'for the best'. Can you expect me to accept it still now? Severus, you're a scientist," she said, turning to face her sullen-faced friend. "At least, of a sort--but _you_ know that you can't expect to do the same thing over and over again and get different results. There's always got to be a variable that changes for the result to change. Am I right?"

"Of course you're correct, Lily," Severus replied, feeling at once proud of her use of such sound logic. _She's not lost her brilliance by associating with Potter, that's for certain._

"Exactly," she declared.

"But," Remus put in, despite the fact that Lily had no apparent desire for his opinion, "we _are_ changing a variable, Lily. We're putting you somewhere else. Somewhere completely different, where they would never think to search for you."

"I don't care," she replied, her tone lofty, "it amounts to the same thing. I'll be playing a sitting duck. Just like I did before. Who's to say that they won't find me here? They found us at Godric's Hollow, and we thought it was inpenetrable."

"That's because you didn't have-" Severus began, but then flushed crimson. _What a fool! I can't say that she was attacked before because **I** wasn't there to protect her! Even though it's true..._

"Have what?" asked Lupin, too curious for his own good.

Pursing his lips and shielding the others from his embarrassment with his long locks, Severus' eyes roved across the floor. "Never mind, I spoke too hastily."

"What were you going to say?" Lily inquired, and Severus berated himself again for his impulsive gesture.

"It's irrelevant, irrelevant," he insisted, raising his head and trying to demonstrate some amount of confidence. _What to say? I've got to have something to say. No need to embarrass myself further._ "I mean...I suppose the location wasn't that novel, was it?" Then something clicked in his mind, and he thanked his lucky stars for Narcissa Malfoy's insistent coaching of him about pureblood genealogy. "Come to think of it, what's Godric's Hollow? A little group of old wizarding families' ancestral homes. Not the least mentionable of such families being Dumbledore's. _"_

"Is it?" asked Remus, immediately more interested.

"Yes, I'm fairly certain of it." Severus' morale was back up, and he pressed his lips together in a grim line. "To my recollection, the Dumbledore family was one of the oldest of these. They're descended from one of Godric's twenty-two children--one of the illegitimate ones, born to his wife's ladies' maid, a German squib named Aldaheida Dumpeldorf. Her son bore her name, as was the custom for a child in that position, though Anglicized."

"How do you know all this?" asked Lily, who appeared surprised and impressed.

He shrugged. "Being in Slytherin necessitates learning something about the wizarding history...beyond what can be absorbed in Binn's class."

"I see." He couldn't tell if she was displeased or if she was just digesting the information. Her face was still strained, but her lips were just curved enough to suggest a reticent smile. _Or is that smile really just an illusion of my own, imagined into being because of my desperation to be approved by her?_

"That is very interesting, Severus," remarked Lupin, "and, aye, you have a point about it being Albus' own territory." The werewolf's eyes conveyed dignified mourning--shame, perhaps, and displeasure with himself.

"Well, even if it was, that just strengthens my argument, doesn't it?" Lily demanded, and Severus and Remus looked at each other.

For, they realized in their abject silence, they'd never confided their fears of the old man to Lily--and Lily still trusted Dumbledore.

"After all," went on the woman carelessly, "if Dumbledore couldn't protect us in his own 'territory', as you put it, Remus, then what are we doing trying the same tactic? If they were so bold as to attack us at Godric's Hollow...literally minutes after he'd left us...then that seems to testify to either immense capability or immense arrogance."

"And I suppose you'd know a few things about _arrogance_ ," Snape said with a prickly smile. This earned him a half-hearted glare from Lily.

"Don't disrespect my poor husband," she said, closing her arms tighter around her baby, but then she sighed. "Though...you are _right_."

With that, Severus allowed himself the rare chuckle and sat back in his chair. "So, Lily," he said carefully, "what is it that you want to do, instead of staying hidden and safe? For all of your insistence that the option we've contrived is fallible, certainly you've come up with another option instead?"

"Well..." She faltered. "I would rather like to come with you two."

"With the baby?" exclaimed Remus, who was strangely astonished.

"With the baby." Lily's voice was smooth and strong now, and Severus felt his heart pounding as he saw her confidence rise, doubling her beauty in one instantaneous surge of energy.

 _This is why I love her_ , he thought, and, despite himself, he smiled.

"I think it's a splendid idea," said the werewolf, echoing Severus' own enthusiasm. "But, I mean...oh, gods Lily, isn't it going to be hard for you?"

"I can manage. Harry's not weaned yet, but he's eating solids just fine, and I'm sure he'll be better as time goes on. And as for other things...well, I've been managing to practice my transfiguration, since we haven't always been able to get out and buy nappies and things."

Severus nodded, feeling apprehensive but also pleased at the possibilities that seemed to be within reach.

_I can protect her so much better than that fool, Lupin...or Dumbledore..._

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

On the decided day, Lupin, Lily, baby Harry, and Severus were in Lupin's bare kitchenette. Their portkey was a plastic plate with a picture of a polar-bear on the front, apparently a piece of collectible Coca-Cola paraphernalia.

The portkey was set for five in the morning, and they were one minute to departure time.

"I am obligated to ask once more, Lily, if you're willing to do this," Severus asked. They hadn't see much of each other since the other day; Lily had stayed to work on potions for a while, but when Harry started having a tizzy fit and wanted to be fed, so she left earlier than expected. Afterwards, there had been much preparation to do, so they saw very little of each other. Severus and Lupin had carefully warned her not to make it obvious to anyone that she was leaving her parents' house, particularly Dumbledore, though they kept their specific suspicions about the man to themselves.

So, it was only fitting that Severus at least make sure that his beloved wasn't scared, or, if she was, that at least she wasn't regretting her decision.

"Of course, Severus," she said quietly, edging near him with a careful step. She shifted Harry from one hip to the other in a manner that Severus found strangely slow and seductive.

"Forty-five seconds!" announced Remus stiffly, picking up the portkey and waving it.

"You could still stay," Severus insisted, though he was half afraid that she would take up the opportunity.

"Do you _want_ me to?"

The question was bitter, but a little teasing veiled the poignancy. Severus found himself drawing his eyes towards hers, and he felt the strength and courage behind them. Lily's stout solidarity made him ashamed for thinking her weak enough to stay behind.

"No," he said, his pink tongue licking his dry lips with nervous restlessness. He grabbed the portkey with Remus, and murmured, "Of course not."

"Why of course not?" he heard, though he couldn't tell if the words were from Lily's lips or not. It might have been the rustling of her cloak as she moved towards the portkey to join Severus and Remus in holding it.

"Because it's better this way," he replied.

Before Lily could answer, the portkey enacted, and soon they were spinning...spinning...spinning...

...and the blurred landscape was blistering cold, and progressively dark, and drenched in white. And then before any of the trio could register anything more, everything around them was wet, weightless, and sharp.

They weren't in the wild wilderness of Romania, that was for sure.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .


	19. Chapter 19

**NOTE:** Okay, YES, I abandoned this piece for months. NO, I have no reason. YES, I decided to write this chapter. NO, I don't know when the next update will be. YES, I still want lots and lots of reviews. NO, this is not the only story I'm working on. YES, I think you should add me to author alert if you're a LESS fan. YES, I thank Escoger for not minding me bouncing my ideas off of him. YES, I thank both him and DiamondGryphon for telling me to get a move-on on this story. YES, I hope you'll review.

**Pour le Bien des Tous**

by Anachronistic Anglophile

**Chapter Seventeen**

"HELL!"

 _Lily's right_ , was Severus' second impression as soon as the sting of impact with the cold had subsided. Indeed, if Dante's view that hell would be frigid and cold was real, that's where they seemed to be. Severus had never been ensconced in so much coldness ever before; it was as sharp on his skin as fire might be.

He realized after a moment of fruitless attempts to catch his breath that he wasn't able to inhale properly. The air was thick, very salty, and triggered his gag reflex. As he coughed and began to involuntarily shake, he realized that there was no ground beneath his feet, and he seemed to be sinking into a void of blackness.

Not knowing what else to do, he began to flounder, scratching at the air and trying to get a hold of something, anything.

All the while, he was suffocating because he couldn't breathe...

And everything began to turn darker, darker, darker...

And his ears were beginning to throb...

And he couldn't see or feel anything...

"OW!"

He opened his eyes to a starry sky, the sound of waves lapping at his ears, but then he was sinking again as his body was racked with coughs, the natural bodily response to having water in his lungs. A firm something lifted him to the surface again so that he could breathe again. When he finished gasping, though he was too numb to feel much, he still perceived that his robe was gone and that his shirt was untucked from his pants.

"Sorry, mate," Lupin said as Severus looked around, and Severus saw the werewolf was the one holding his head above the surface of the water. "It's so damned cold that I couldn't think of another way to snap you out of it."

 _What did he do?_ Severus wondered, figuring that whatever it was couldn't have been too bad. Everything was so cold, and he still had water in his lungs, so he started coughing again.

"That's it, cough it up," Lupin said.

More than water came up that time, and Severus began to shake even harder, and not just from the cold. Tears formed in his eyes, and he began to register what must have happened.

"I would have drowned," he gasped, beginning to sob like a little girl. "I would have drowned, because I never learned to swim. I asked my mum once if she could take me to the public pool, but she said no..."

"You're getting hypothermic," Lupin diagnosed casually, and Severus envied how calmly the other man could take this whole disorienting...thing that went wrong. He told himself to shut his gob, to stop his silly fit, but he couldn't. It was too much shock. _I'm just earning my epithet of Snivellus_ , he told himself, which made him just cry harder.

"There, there, don't make a fuss," Lupin said softly, and Severus began to feel a gentle tugging at the cuff of his shirtsleeves. They were moving, though to where, heaven knew.

 _I've got to get myself together_ , he reminded, _I'm being so pathetic. So bleeding pathetic. If Lily--_

"-Lily? Where's Lily?" he asked, trying to sit up against the small current they were making through the water.

"Safe," guaranteed Remus, "and she's got a wand and some warming charms for you."

 _He saved her before he saved me, of course_ , Severus thought with some relief, but also some bitterness. _It's clear where his priorities are..._

"You'd better not blackmail her into a free shag for your help," Severus warned, his voice not as threatening as he would have liked given his motivation. He was very weak.

"And you're a fool if you think she isn't perfectly capable of taking care of herself," Lupin replied, sounding weary. "She, unlike you, knows how to swim."

There was no apt answer to that, at least any apt answer that Severus felt capable of voicing, so he and his savior relapsed into silence.

"Besides," Lupin said quietly, "she has the boy. And even if I did need to save her, it wouldn't because of some... _crass_ reason like that."

Snape, not sure how much right he had to hate Lupin at this point, still remained angrily silent.

"Severus?"

The cold seemed to be subsiding, and Severus even felt like it was getting warm. Still, as his body was aching with numbness, Severus hadn't noticed that he'd closed his eyes.

"Don't go to sleep. Whatever you do, don't go to sleep."

 _What does he care if I go to sleep?_ Severus thought, rebelling. _He's a bloody werewolf. If I decide to fall asleep_ , _it's my prerogative, isn't it?_

"Open your eyes," a voice was saying above him--a voice he never could not obey. Raising his lids was a chore that seemed a crime against nature, but Severus did so to see the concerned face of Lily above him.

"Oh, Sev," she breathed, taking his hand in hers and tapping her wand against his limbs. The heat of warming charms made him twitch, but as he began to feel the pain of numbness dissipating, he kept his eyes on his nurse, relishing the feeling of her tending to his care. "Just keep your eyes open, please, don't go to sleep."

As if to contradict her request, she lifted his head, placing it against her stomach (just under her warm breasts) and began to sing a gentle little song. Her voice was desperate and hoarse, and she wasn't quite in tune, but Severus could feel her ribcage vibrating and her blood pulsing. He treasured the feeling; it wasn't often that she got to be this close to him.

" _There'll be bluebirds over, the white cliffs of Dover, tomorrow, just you wait and see,_ " Lily whisper-warbled, though she suddenly stopped when Severus heard the cry of little Harry from somewhere near his right. He felt Lily lean over to pick up the baby, but she returned to her former position immediately, rubbing his shoulders through his woolen clothes with one hand while she held the baby with her other.

"You did a marvelous thing, Remus," she stated, her voice sweeter as she gulped in the cool night air. "I couldn't have done it."

"I know it," Remus Lupin replied, sounding mournful even in the face of praise. "You...you've g-g-got Harry, you couldn't j-j-just leap into the water ag-g-gain."

"You're chattering," Lily observed, and Severus felt her move a little bit. "So is Severus. And so am I, for that matter. Warming charms are like wishes out here; can't we start a fire?"

" _Lily_ , this is an _iceberg._ Of _course_ we can't start a fire."

"Oh, I suppose we could transfigure some wood," Lily said, then shifted with discomfort.

 _The cold is getting to all of us in one way or another_ , Severus acknowledged bitterly. _I lost complete control of myself. Lily's mind is getting foggy. And Lupin is sounding both superior and sarcastic for the first time in our acquaintance._

At least by this time he was both calm and possessed of his wit, though he was by no means interested in moving himself out of Lily's warm lap.

"What about a blanket?" he whispered hoarsely, surprised at how the cold had made all his muscles tense.

"Yes, blankets would be wonderful. Lucky I'm a dab hand at Transfiguration, eh?" Lily said, plumping baby Harry into Severus' arms. She twisted around a bit as though there was a ferret in her shirt, and suddenly Severus noticed that there was a bra dangling above his nose.

"What...what?" was all he managed to muster.

Remus was apparently just as stunned, because he said nothing at all.

"We shouldn't use our more substantial clothes for blankets; they're already keeping us a little warm," Lily observed, demurely moving her wand around the object. Soon the undergarment was enormous. At least it wasn't something downright embarrassing like black satin--instead, it was a rather substantial affair decorated with homey pink lace, covered with vines and flowers. It reminded Severus of the chintz curtains his mother had once coveted and tried to convince Tobias Snape to purchase.

Splitting the bra in half meant that there were two equal-sized blankets, at least in theory.

"My hand's too shaky, so this one's quite a bit smaller," Lily said with chagrin, draping the larger one over herself, her baby, and Severus (who couldn't remember the last time he'd been babied as much as this).

"Never mind, just hand it over," snapped Lupin. Severus sat up just enough to see the other man, and it was obvious that the werewolf was in great suffering. Hunched over, curled up into a small ball, the man was shaking profusely, more so than any of the rest of them.

"Are you all right, Lupin?" Snape asked, and in that moment realized that there was a strange pain on the skin of his stomach.

"Nnn-n-no," the werewolf replied, weary and no longer defensive.

"What's wrong, Remus?" Lily asked sweetly, in a way that Severus envied. "Why don't you come huddle with us? For warmth?"

"Don't want to disrupt the new little family," the werewolf said, sounding truly guilty.

 _Oh, just shut your trap, Lupin_ , Snape growled internally.

"It's not disruption. It's survival," Lily replied, immovable on the latter point. Severus was more than a mite disappointed that his darling had skipped over the part to which his ears had been most interested in her response.

Reluctant, Lupin edged his way a few feet towards them, but was siezed with a fit of coughing.

"Remus! Oh, please, don't catch cold!" Lily's voice resonated from her diaphragm, which was separated from Snape by (to his private pleasure) a mere layer of skin. Still, he knew his position was temporary, and begrudged every attention that the woman he loved paid to any other man. Thus was his insecurity.

"I can't say I shan't, Lily," the werewolf replied, finishing the journey. "I feel absolutely rotten."

"Keep close to us, we'll keep you warm," Lily said, opening her arms to admit their companion. The cold that she let into the tent of warmth made both Severus Harry very uncomfortable; though both of them wanted to cry, only the younger of them did. The older had experienced enough tears in the past half-hour.

Soon the huddle was complete again, but Severus noted immediately that Lupin's temperature was higher than his and Lily's. It was evident that the man was quite sick.

Once things were settled, the conversation turned belatedly to _whys_ and _wherefores._

"How come we're here?" Lupin asked, clearly unhappy and worried as well as ill. "I...I can't imagine that Dumbledore intended for us to come here. It must be a mistake."

"Of course," Lily said, falling resolutely into step behind the werewolf, "they must have mixed us up with someone else."

Snape just wanted to scoff, but seeing as Lily was also victim to derangement, he left out the vitriol and just went for the dry sarcasm. "Clearly we were supposed to be a party of fourteen deep-sea explorers, complete with our own ship?"

The other two said nothing.

"Was it, or was it not, by complete chance that this iceberg happened to be nearby where we landed?" Severus asked, beginning to put pieces together in his head. "Or did we arrive on dry land?"

"We weren't supposed to be here," Lupin said, sounding more terrified. "Not here."

"Were we even supposed to be going to Romania, Lupin?" Severus said, feeling that the werewolf's last statement indicated that he knew more than he was letting on. He was distracted by the pain at his stomach, however, and he slowly moved his numb hand up to touch his flat belly, contemplating what motives Lupin might have for such a diversion from plan.

"Yes, yes," the werewolf insisted, "which is _not here_ , clearly!"

"I think that we were supposed to be somewhere quite different from here, and from Romania...am I correct Lupin?" Severus accused, his hand touching the skin of his stomach and finding it strangely raw.

 _Did I scrape it against something?_ Snape wondered, but as he felt the wound (which was wet with warm blood as well as water) he realized that the set of circular indentations could only mean one thing.

"In fact," he said, growing more angry, "not only that, I'm going to suppose that you lied to us about when the full moon was, am I correct about that too, _werewolf_?"

His deepest fear rose from his mind, looming over his consciousness and leering at any semblance of justice that might have tried to enter Severus' mind. That, combined with past and present jealousy of Lily's closeness with the other man, made him irate.

When Lupin neither denied or confirmed this, Severus sat up, with obscenities on his tongue and the vigorous energy of the angry.

"I just realized what you did to me, _Lupin_ ," he spat, turning his head to look Lupin more clearly in the eye. "Couldn't wait to get a bit of me until I was good and dead, could you? And what about Lily? Did you _sample_ her as well?"

"Shush, Severus!" Lily exclaimed, shaking his shoulder hard. "You're making Remus cry!"

"He should cry, given what he is and what evil he's done," Snape ground out. He did not soften as he saw true tears spilling down the other man's cheeks.

"Dash it, Snape," Lupin said lowly, "you were going under. What was a man to do, when his mate was clearly out of it, in the most dangerous places to be out of it in the world? How else could I wake you?"

"I can see why you might use that pitiable excuse," Snape replied, still boiling with rage. "But I shan't accept it, Lupin."

"By God! It's the truth, you bloody arse!" the werewolf exclaimed, his eyes wide and haunted.

Snape had not been practicing Occlumency for nothing, and just a glance into Remus' mind told him more than enough. Lupin didn't know they were going to end up there, in the middle of the Arctic, and he didn't have an ulterior motive in dragging them there. But he still had a secret, and while Snape could have pried it out of him without the other man even having the vaguest notion, he didn't want to risk it with Lily there.

"All right, I'll accept that," Severus replied, turning away from Lupin, somewhat satisfied. "But you must tell us about _the other thing_ , Lupin. What was your especial...job for Dumbledore?"

He just guessed on the last bit, but of course he was right. Severus Snape was always right.

"I...all right, I'll tell you," Lupin said, and shifted a little. "I...I had a package to deliver. Nothing much, just a document to this man called Eiser."

"What sort of document?" Severus asked, tuning into his interrogation mode.

"I...I don't know," Lupin replied, grimacing. "I just know that it was sealed into a magic compartment into a belt that Dumbledore gave me. I was supposed to wear the belt on my journey and give it to Eiser when we arrived in Romania..."

"But?" Lily asked, just as interested as Severus at this point.

"But...I think I've lost it," Remus replied, beginning to cry again. "I was so lazy. I supposed that the belt was so heavy, that I'd reduce it and put it in a bag. It seemed like such an awful way to carry around a document in the first place, so I didn't see how a simple little charm to make it a quarter of its old size would hurt. But...oh dear...I've lost my bag, now. The thing is at the bottom of the sea right now."

"Hm," Severus hummed, "that's very interesting, Lupin. Very interesting."

At this point, the werewolf began to cough again. "I'm...not feeling well at all," he said, "I feel as though my insides are being eaten out by acids."

"Just rest, Remus," Lily said, laying down the baby again and embracing her friend. "You'll be right as rain soon. You'll see."

"I don't know," the man said, "I've never felt so sick and pained before..."

 _That's saying a lot, since he's a werewolf..._ Severus annotated, not sure whether to be worried or ecstatic.

While Severus mused about what Lupin had divulged to him, Lily and Lupin talked clinically about Lupin's ailment, which Lily was rather optimistic about. Keeping together for warmth, using heating charms, and adding extra transfigured blankets when they discovered something else on them that could improve their situation, and such was about all they could do until daylight came.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

**Author's Note:**

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